Following My Bliss

So much has changed since that last post.

Mom is sober. Has been sober for months now, I think. I'm finally letting myself be proud of her, and not scared for her relapse.

I'm in my last semester of college, probably ever. I constantly have these moments of 'WTF?' when I think of how in under 4 months I'll have my MSW.

Also, I have many, too many, moments of wondering what I'm doing in social work and with social work. I find myself more often than not angry at my major. I think sometimes professors spend too much time telling and not teaching. It's hard to explain, but I just disagree with so much being said to me about "the social work way", that I wonder if this makes me wrong or just different? I'm used to different, not used to wrong.

My internship isn't something I want to do post-college. I like it, but I am certainly not in love with it. It gives me so much freedom, too much freedom. I need a pit more structure, supervision, direction. Good people, decent department, alright clients. My heart just doesn't burst at the prospect of the work.

I miss you Ireland.

Still single. Not ready to mingle. Got this whole 'spinster' thing on lock really. Spending night after night home and alone, and not upset about that. I'm just selfish and love myself a lot, I guess. I have no desire to need a companion in that sense of the word. My friends do just fine being there when I need to be a part of a couple or a group. I wonder sometimes: will that feeling ever change? Or am I just one of those people destined to do life without a permanent attachment? No complaint, just questions.

I watch too much Animal Planet. I'm dying to get a dog. That's my kinda companion.

Be strong and be well. "Suit up and show up."

I regret going to Ireland for four months because now I can't afford to go somewhere for a year. I should have stayed away at Brockport & then had enough money to be gone for another year with grad school. I should have maximized my time away from this place.

Grow up "mother". It really sucks that you're making me regret one of the best decisions I thought I had made. If only you knew what you've done to this family, you oblivious self-centered brat.

I pray that I don't ever become you, ever.

I'm watching Lifetime movies all day so I'm reminded some people (fact or fictiion) have it worse than me.

This too shall pass.

Can't sleep. I relearned how to nap today & therefore am now awake for the night it seems. Being awake has put my mind in to overdrive right now.

Next week is my last class for summer session grad school. Holy crap. One semester down, two to go. Insane. Still no internship. Still overworked, frustrated, and annoyed by college. I am ready to be done.

But I have NO idea what I'll be doing with my life come next May. None. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life next MONTH. Any know of a good life planner? I need one.

Ireland seems like it was all a dream that happened many years ago to me. It makes me sad. I wish I was there again with my independence and life scheduled. I miss how carefree I was there; how HAPPY I was. My life is so unfulfilled in New York at this moment, and I have no idea how to fix that at times.

I miss getting on buses each weekend to explore. I miss walking to town and shopping. I miss Tesco, Dunnes, Bus Eirann, Pennys, Lattitude, and every bar I ever had a drink in (especially the ones that had live music).

There are SO MANY blogs/stories that I never posted from my time abroad. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't go back to read them. The details are too foggy now to retell those stories in the way they deserve.

I'm looking for new "life-changing" books to read. I want to learn. I want wisdom to ponder. I want to live. I want so much.

This whole growing up shtick can kiss my dupa. (And my Polish comes out.)

I'm restless and noncomplacent here.

I have ambition but no where to apply it. I want to change the world. Someone give me some direction.

Maybe some day I'll work for a nonprofit. That actually really appeals to me all the sudden.

When does life REALLY begin? Do I still have time to put in my application for a better one? Do I even really need a better one?

I know so many would tell me this is exactly how I should feel at 22 but others would say I need more answers and less questions. To the latter I say screw off. To the former I say your support is so unhelpful.

Stay gold.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
The Script – Breakeven

A long drive, a long cry, and a hot chocolate later…. I purged those feelings real quick. Optimism, no pessimism. Carpe diem.

I’m throwing in the towel for Wonderwall.

What.The.Hell.

In 8 hours I'm getting on a bus to begin the trek back to America. Where did these months go??? I cannot believe this. Truly cannot believe this chapter is ending.

I'm going home to graduate and start grad school. I'm going home to family, friends, and familiarity. I think so at least. Maybe things won't be anything like when I left them in January. Maybe they will. Won't know till I get off that plane tomorrow.

I know of a few friendships that aren't the same. Some I'm very upset about, others I know needed to go the course they went. Some in particular have me angry and sad, wondering where we went wrong. Four months is a long time to be away from those you care about. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the heart forget. Was it me, was it you, or was it fate? I could have handled some things better sure, but I refuse to take the entire blame.

Just so we're all clear, purposely excluding to tell someone is, in my opinion, still a form of lying. Elizabeth & I have agreed on this, and no, we won't change our minds.

I miss YOU(non-exclusive). This is f#cked up and I admit my part in it, but you're not helping. I hate conflicting emotions.

I have so many stories to yet type up in this journal of adventures passed. Maybe they'll get shared someday, maybe not. They're memories all the same for me.

Where do I go from here?

One day of grad school a week. Get some temp job. Then what?

If you had asked me freshman year where I'd be senior year, Ireland would not have been an answer. And yet, here I am, and here I go. The Future is unpredictable, terrifying, and everything I want it to be.

Who knows what awaits me. Will I find a job I like? Will I find a boy I love? Where will I live someday? Is Ireland in my future again?

My Peter Pan existence is almost over. I'm scared.

I have a lot of loose ends in America waiting for me, or so I feel. Or maybe I don't. There's a couple in particular I can think of, but I don't know other people's thoughts, so maybe there's more or less. Ugh. It's so hard to write it out.

Tomorrow marks page one in another new chapter.

Dana in America: The After 21 Years.

Hopefully this book will be good, and worth the read. If not, blame the author. I hear she's a bit off her rocker.

Class of 2010, SUNY Brockport (and not The College at Brockport). Social Work, and Sociology. Here's to us.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned




I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Carrie Underwood - Starts With Goodbye




When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeah, Oh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeah

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

Oh, whenever you remember
Carrie Underwood - Whenever You Remember




Hello you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, dashboard drummers
Hello you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

I stood at the bottom of some walls I thought I couldn't climb
I felt like Cinderella at the ball just running out of time
So I know how it feels to be afraid
Think that it's all gonna slip away
Hold on, hold on

Here's to you free souls, you firefly chasers
Tree climbers, porch swingers, air guitar players
Here's to you fearless dancers, shaking walls in your bedrooms

There's a lot of wonder left inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

Never let a bad day be enough
To go and talk you in to giving up
Sometimes everybody feels like you
Oh, feels like you, just like you
Yeah

I've met some go-getters
Some difference makers
Small town heroes, and big chance takers
I've met some young hearts with something to prove
Oh, yeah

Here's to you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, and dashboard drummers
Here's to you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Yeah
Carrie Underwood - Crazy Dreams




There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This





The world's so big, it can break your heart
And you just want to help, not sure where to start
So you close your eyes
And send up a prayer into the dark

"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Oh, the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Carrie Underwood - Change




How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse, but i wish
That I never made you cry

I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the world to say

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say




What you're gonna do when the show is over
What you're gonna sing when the the song ends
How you're gonna cope when there is no closure
Where you're gonna reach when the goal gets higher
How you're gonna make it through
When you think you lost your chance

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the floodgates swing wide open
Never let the current take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess and you can't get out
Just going through the motions
Trying not to drown

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even through a storm on the darkest night
Don't you ever give up the fight
Even when you feel you're all alone

Play on, play on

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Carrie Underwood - Play On




Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Carrie Underwood - Wasted