Following My Bliss

Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.

Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.

Other than that, I have nothing to say.

Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?

I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.

It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.

Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.

Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.

I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.

I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.

I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.

I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.

I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.

The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.

My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.

35 days till I come home.

Here’s to the future.

Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time

It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love




Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards





She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston

Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low

To be perfectly honest, I don't understand how my self works most of the time.

I thought I had this figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted, where we stood, and all that jazz.

But tonight... Maybe I'm just homesick, nostasglic, lonely... I don't know what it is to be honest but I find myself wanting to be with there more than anything at this moment. Maybe it's because when I'm home they've always been there in some sense. Maybe just being so cut off from constant communication with them has finally gotten to me. I miss the reliability, the consistency.

I don't know what it is that's put my head in this 180 tailspin of 'What ifs' and 'Why nots'.

How do I know what I feel if I've never felt it before?

I hardly noticed Valentine's Day this year. Not only in the sense that it told me I'm not in a relationship, but it's also the day I found out about my dad's cancer. Usually I hate it more than anything for both reasons. This year...didn't even care. Progress or regression?

Words sit on the tip of my tongue, but how do I mean them? Do I mean them on the surface or in a much deeper meaning?

I might just be scared to throw caution to the wind. I may just be being stupid and tomorrow none of this will matter.

Just know I miss you. More than you miss me. Trust me.

It has been a country music kind of night, in a lot of ways. Carrie Underwood gets it (or at least her songwriters do) and so do Rascal Flatts.

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, it's the helping hand
When you needed it most
The lightouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
As you think that there's no way out
Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable

They take one last drive around town
And man it
Already looks different
He bangs the wheel and says
'Life ain't fair
And this growing up stuff man I don't know
I just don't wanna let you go'
Carrie Underwood - The Night Before (Life Goes On)

I thought about calling you when I got off the plane
Every time I see this city through the clouds I get that way
Call me crazy for missing you like this but I do
Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Carrie Underwood - Starts with Goodbye

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought
Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river thats so wide
It swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back
Carrie Underwood - So Small

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
Rascal Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out

There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Rascal Flatts - Stand

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me to
And when we cry together
Would you simply laugh at me and say...
I told you so
Carrie Underwood - I Told You So

What do I do now that you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldnt say
Rascal Flatts - Words I Couldn't Say

It's twisted, messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong
Carrie Underwood - Twisted

Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me
Rascal Flatts - Winner at a Losing Game

Maybe it's the way that the stars are aligned
That's makin' me feel this way tonight
Maybe it's the words you left unsaid
Maybe it's the stardust in my hand
Carrie Underwood - This Time

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
Rascal Flatts - Every Day

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say

Give all you've got
Like it's your last day
Your heart and soul
Before it's too late
And pull them in so close
Enough that they can feel it
With every single breath that
You're breathing
Breathe it in again and again
Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love
Hold on, hold on
Rascal Flatts - Love Who You Love

Miserable today.

That's not even a strong enough word. Like try unimaginably miserable.

It's becoming clear to me that my internship is not what I want.

I don't think I can even call it social work. They want me to essentially (and eventually) take on the teacher role, which is heavily based on being a speech therapist (in my opinion at least). I want to be more involved in policy change and service coordination and helping families find places like The Jonah Project to help their children. I'm not getting a degree in education for a reason. (And can I just say, I understand the idea of reinforcement but giving a child a 'crisp' continually after they do something right and praising them as 'Good boy' constantly is DRIVING ME MAD!)

Homesickness has definitely set in as well.

I was definitely that girl sitting by herself at the end of the day on the city bus trying to nonchalantly wipe away tears. Also when woken up in the middle of the night by ragging drunk loud assholes in the building, I cried then missing my room and my silent suburbia.

What really broke me today was the bus situation.

Yes, I am the only student who has to take the bus to their internship. The morning bus was supposed to arrive at 8:45; it got there at 9:05 and subsequently made me late by five minutes. The afternoon bus to come home was supposed to arrive at 4; it arrived at 4:45. The morning bus cost me 1.50euros and the afternoon bus cost 1.70euros. This is not something I budgeted for, nor do I find it fair, and I definitely do not enjoy it.

Basically, I have cried more in the last 24 hours than in the last 24 months. Whether it's from being too tired or frustrated or unhappy or longing for back home, I don't know.

I think it's a mixture of it all just being TOO much.

I should have seen this breakdown coming. I thought I knew myself better than this.

It doesn't help how supportive and wonderful my mother is being either (she sent me an email last night telling me to get sleep because things look better then and to have Elizabeth hug me for her). She told me to take till the end of the week to decide on staying at TJP or asking for something different (which works well because Joe is meeting with me & my supervisors there on Monday to discuss such things).

I just don't know what I was thinking by (almost)blindly packing up and leaving home for four months.

I'm happy when I'm with my friends and when we're traveling about, but this is only at night and on the weekends.

I don't want to spend five days a week, some seven hours a day, being unhappy or just getting by.

I want to enjoy this experience and learn something relevant. I want to go out and see Europe and not just do it to escape being in Waterford. I want to smile more and cry less, and laugh more and sniffle less. I want this to be the best decision I ever made and not the biggest regret I'll ever have.

I want these four months to be everything I said they would be when I got accepted last summer.

Writing this all out definitely helped.

Now it's off to the Garda and Immigration to be officially registered. Not sure if we're going shopping for food after; I hope so because I need stuff to bring for lunch. And also, I'm really hungry right now.

Love,
Dana