Following My Bliss

What.The.Hell.

In 8 hours I'm getting on a bus to begin the trek back to America. Where did these months go??? I cannot believe this. Truly cannot believe this chapter is ending.

I'm going home to graduate and start grad school. I'm going home to family, friends, and familiarity. I think so at least. Maybe things won't be anything like when I left them in January. Maybe they will. Won't know till I get off that plane tomorrow.

I know of a few friendships that aren't the same. Some I'm very upset about, others I know needed to go the course they went. Some in particular have me angry and sad, wondering where we went wrong. Four months is a long time to be away from those you care about. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the heart forget. Was it me, was it you, or was it fate? I could have handled some things better sure, but I refuse to take the entire blame.

Just so we're all clear, purposely excluding to tell someone is, in my opinion, still a form of lying. Elizabeth & I have agreed on this, and no, we won't change our minds.

I miss YOU(non-exclusive). This is f#cked up and I admit my part in it, but you're not helping. I hate conflicting emotions.

I have so many stories to yet type up in this journal of adventures passed. Maybe they'll get shared someday, maybe not. They're memories all the same for me.

Where do I go from here?

One day of grad school a week. Get some temp job. Then what?

If you had asked me freshman year where I'd be senior year, Ireland would not have been an answer. And yet, here I am, and here I go. The Future is unpredictable, terrifying, and everything I want it to be.

Who knows what awaits me. Will I find a job I like? Will I find a boy I love? Where will I live someday? Is Ireland in my future again?

My Peter Pan existence is almost over. I'm scared.

I have a lot of loose ends in America waiting for me, or so I feel. Or maybe I don't. There's a couple in particular I can think of, but I don't know other people's thoughts, so maybe there's more or less. Ugh. It's so hard to write it out.

Tomorrow marks page one in another new chapter.

Dana in America: The After 21 Years.

Hopefully this book will be good, and worth the read. If not, blame the author. I hear she's a bit off her rocker.

Class of 2010, SUNY Brockport (and not The College at Brockport). Social Work, and Sociology. Here's to us.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned




I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Carrie Underwood - Starts With Goodbye




When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeah, Oh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeah

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

Oh, whenever you remember
Carrie Underwood - Whenever You Remember




Hello you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, dashboard drummers
Hello you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

I stood at the bottom of some walls I thought I couldn't climb
I felt like Cinderella at the ball just running out of time
So I know how it feels to be afraid
Think that it's all gonna slip away
Hold on, hold on

Here's to you free souls, you firefly chasers
Tree climbers, porch swingers, air guitar players
Here's to you fearless dancers, shaking walls in your bedrooms

There's a lot of wonder left inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

Never let a bad day be enough
To go and talk you in to giving up
Sometimes everybody feels like you
Oh, feels like you, just like you
Yeah

I've met some go-getters
Some difference makers
Small town heroes, and big chance takers
I've met some young hearts with something to prove
Oh, yeah

Here's to you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, and dashboard drummers
Here's to you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Yeah
Carrie Underwood - Crazy Dreams




There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This





The world's so big, it can break your heart
And you just want to help, not sure where to start
So you close your eyes
And send up a prayer into the dark

"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Oh, the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Carrie Underwood - Change




How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse, but i wish
That I never made you cry

I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the world to say

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say




What you're gonna do when the show is over
What you're gonna sing when the the song ends
How you're gonna cope when there is no closure
Where you're gonna reach when the goal gets higher
How you're gonna make it through
When you think you lost your chance

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the floodgates swing wide open
Never let the current take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess and you can't get out
Just going through the motions
Trying not to drown

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even through a storm on the darkest night
Don't you ever give up the fight
Even when you feel you're all alone

Play on, play on

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Carrie Underwood - Play On




Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Carrie Underwood - Wasted

Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.

Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.

Other than that, I have nothing to say.

Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?

I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.

It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.

Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.

Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.

I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.

I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.

I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.

I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.

I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.

The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.

My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.

35 days till I come home.

Here’s to the future.

Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time

It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love




Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards





She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston

Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low

Oh Grey's Anatomy. Even though I knew what was going to happen (because Ireland is wicked behind) I still cried like a baby.
"Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away. Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay."
"You have to do it 3 times or it doesn't work."
Callie & Arizona are the best. I love torturing Emma a bit by reminding her I know what's going to happen and she doesn't. :D Also, Sloan's daughter needs to appear ASAP because I've been holding that one over her head since I got here.
I have to wait 2 weeks for another episode though because of soccer. Ah, just like America!! Except it's never soccer that interrupts our programming schedule.

We're going to Galway this weekend!!!! It appears to be only be myself, Elizabeth, and Garrett. I am OK with this. Kinda wish it would be more people but at the same time not? Elizabeth tells me there's a castle. And we all know how much Dana loves a good castle.

One good thing about all of us though is we're all procrastinating our papers back home. Or more like struggling to write them. Things just aren't as structured here as in America. These aren't social work agencies really, they're social care. They run under the management of a few people, not an HR Department and a Finance Department. It's busy and chaotic and everyone's holding on by their fingernails.
I wouldn't change it for a second. OK, well maybe I'd wish them all a bigger budget. Everyone could use that these days.

GMa's care package made my day. More easy mac, my favorite Keibler cookies, my favorite chocolates, and real hot chocolate packets that you make with hot water and not with milk in the microwave. She also included a thing of Jif smooth peanut butter. Even though we have peanut butter here, it's just not Jif. You all know what I'm talking about.
Hershey's, I have missed you!!!

Of course today was my day off and I wanted to go in to the city centre to shop and it had to rain. Wonderful. Thanks a lot Mother Nature. Real cute. Just get it out of your system before this weekend please.

Kirsten & Kerri arrive next Friday. Wooooo!!!! Trying to figure out what we'll be doing but around my internship schedule. A little tricky but we'll make it work. I really hope I can show them a good time. I'm going to feel bad if they're bored here or something. Also, nooo idea how we're going to pull off the sleeping situation but that's a battle we'll win when they get here.

Dave randomly sent me a text Monday morning to see how I was. Completely made my day and possibly my week. My brother is too awesome.

Pretty much wrote this just to put off my paper a little longer. Guess I should get on that. Tomorrow's my early day at work (11AM) so I actually have to go to bed before 2AM. Bummer.

Hope all is well with everyone. Take care.
<3
Dana

Last week I found out I got accepted to the UB advanced graduate program. This is what I wanted all along. I wanted UB over anything. I applied to the Brockport/Naz Collaborative (aka GRC) on the off chance I couldn't get in to UB for some reason. I never really wanted to go there but for some reason I wanted a fallback.

The funny thing is when I applied for undergraduate I only applied to Brockport, no where else. I knew I could get in and that's the only place I wanted to go. And I did get accepted no problem.

I really don't know what made me so unsure of my abilities for graduate school. I really don't know why I didn't just apply to UB and be done with it.

I found out today I got accepted in to Brockport though. It's pretty cool to say two schools want me and now I get to choose the one I want.

That being said, here's the letter that I wish I could hold in my hands but can only view via a scan:


May 17th is going to be here before I know it. And the following May, 2011 may be here even faster.

I'll have my Bachelor's in Sociology and in Social Work in 91 days.

It's crazy that in just over one year I'll have completed my schooling (well to the level that I want to take it for now) and will be a real adult in the working world. No longer will I be able to claim I'm a student. I mean, I'll always be a student because we never stop learning, but that will no longer be my full time job.

I'm a big kid now!