Following My Bliss

Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.

Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.

Other than that, I have nothing to say.

Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?

I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.

It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.

Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.

Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.

I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.

I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.

I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.

I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.

I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.

The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.

My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.

35 days till I come home.

Here’s to the future.

Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time

It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love




Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards





She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston

Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low

Past Adventures:

The title of this is a little jingle Kate & Garrett made up to Supermac’s, the fake McDonald’s of Ireland. As in, they were sued by McDonald’s for infringement but won the case and thus still are doing business.

We gave them a try Tuesday night seeing as they were the ONLY place open past 7PM (and I wish that was a joke. Even McD’s was closed. Stupid move on their part). The burger was good, the fries were great. I ordered a medium Coke and was given a can of Coke to pour in to a provided cup with ice. Really guys? Really?

This whole no-24 hour stores and everything closing by 7PM deal is in no way easy to adjust to. America, I miss your overindulgent personality.

I still say we should market the theme song to them though. I wanted it to be ‘supermactacular’ but they voted me down due to too many syllables. Whatever. I think it’s a good make-believe word.

Internship:

I have requested to get a new one. Monday will be my last day and Tuesday the search will commence.

I have a conscience and hate letting people down or upsetting people, so these last two days have been hard for me there. Niamh (the director) asks me how I’m doing each day and I have to scramble to tell her how I’ve learned about this or that. The girls have been super helpful, asking me if I have any questions about ABA process and are willing to explain everything and anything to me.

Tomorrow I have to tell Miriam (the supervisor) that I’m taking the weekend to consider if I’ll continue (though I know I’m leaving on Monday). Niamh doesn’t work Fridays (something that I blanked on) so she’s in for a shock come Monday when she comes in and is told by Miriam that I’m planning on leaving.

The reason it’s going down Monday is because that is when Joe has a meeting with myself and Niamh/Miriam to discuss how things are going and how we feel about me being at their school. We actually set up this meeting on this past Monday (my first day) because it’s better to know progress potential sooner rather than later. In my case, it’s not much potential.

I guess Monday will be good and bad. I just hope they don’t take me leaving badly and/or I don’t say something rude/offensive in explaining my reasons for not wanting to be there.

It’s not them; it’s me.

I respect the heck out of what they do; it’s just not for me on a lot of levels. Too structured, too small, too education major and not enough social work major.

While waiting for the bus today (because it was late, shocker) I talked with a girl from Slievrue whose best friend used to work at TJP. When I told her I wasn’t feeling it so much, so said her friend loved it. I said it didn’t fit me as I’m in social work and she asked wtf I was doing there because it’s definitely for education majors.

Just another sign that I’m not crazy or overreacting I guess. But I know that deep down I’m neither because I know myself and I know when things need to change, and this needs to change.

I did have fun today though shadowing (the first day I wasn’t bored to tears at multiple points). I even was talked in to trying out the slide on the playground. It’s not a normal slide. It’s simply two railings, spaced about 1 1/2 feet apart. You set one leg over each bar and slide down on your thighs. It’s actually really fast and the landing is a beeyotch (sooo much pressure on your ankles). It was wicked fun tho, I have to admit. Gives any other slide I’ve ever been on a poor rating by comparison. (I tried Googling for an image of what it looks like, but I’ve had no luck finding anything.)

One last good thing from work today: one of the boys keeps messing up my name and calling me Dane-yuh. One of the boys back at ASI definitely every time calls me the exact same thing. Made me miss home and made me laugh as well.

Differences:

And now it’s time for an Irish English lesson (things I learned from the girls at work today).

Rubber=eraser. You do not erase something, you rub it out. (Anyone else think of sex and the Mafia immediately? Only me? …OK.)

Full stop=period. This was a fun one to learn as neither of us had ever heard of the other’s term for ending a sentence before. We found each other’s both weird and funny. .=full stop=period (Somewhere one of my high school English teachers is rolling their eyes.)

Tipp-Ex=Wite Out (Ah, a battle of the most popular brand names in their respected countries.)

At the weekend=on the weekend

In the playground=on the playground

(Seriously, we really need to just change the directives? And why does America love the word ‘on’ so much?)

Programmes=shows (be they television or radio).

Crisps=potato chips (I refuse to say it their way).

Chips=French fries (I refuse to say this too).

Pitch=field (and while we’re on football=soccer terms, kit=uniform).

They also say the ‘th’ realllyyyy weird on their words. Bathroom sounds like batroom and thirty sounds like tirty. It’s like the ‘h’ doesn’t even exist. I honestly giggle on the inside each time.

One last thing on the language differences: what is up with the random ‘u’s in words and making ‘er’ turn in to ‘re’? Pretty sure it’s centER not centRE when you pronounce it. And making favorite in to favourite is seriously not  much cooler.

I’m just saying. :P hahaha…

Future Plans:

This weekend will be spent exploring Waterford’s sites and history. Originally we had planned on a weekend in Cork but the hostel is full so that will happen next weekend. Instead we are going to track down the (supposed)Waterford Castle and do some site-seeing around here. Maybe find an ice cream shop or a Chinese restaurant? (I miss you 716, I miss you.)

Next weekend in Cork will be killer though. Blarney is nearby so we’re obviously traveling to the Castle and to see the stone. Also nearby are other legit castles and even a fort!! Pretty pumped to see some good ol’ European history. (Why wasn’t class ever this fun in school? I would have actually liked history if I could have walked through a castle every weekend, seriously.)

Due to the fact that I have yet to have an entirely 100% good experience on a bus, I’m terrified for the 2 1/2 hour drive to Cork. Thus I’m looking in to motion sickness medicine. Apparently Dramamine was taken off the market in Ireland. Fantastic. Tomorrow on my way home from work I’m going to stop in at a pharmacy and get the names of the drugs they do have and give them to mom to look in to.

An alternative that Elizabeth found out about is this bracelet made of metal that apparently uses a pressure point in your wrist and eliminates the nausea. I’m not one that’s all for hippie methods of healing (AKA hand me the medicine and be quiet) but it’s something to think about.

Side not: I have never in my life until I turned 21 experienced motion sickness. I noticed it last fall a few times when I would ride in the backseats of cars but thought nothing of it. Apparently I should have because now busses and planes are not my friends anymore. And that really bites because I love traveling! Oh well. I will remedy it someway, somehow. This will not stop me.

Randomness:

I ride a bus made by Mercedes-Benz to and from work. Can you say you take a Benz to work every day? :)

I’m trying to upload pictures to a Photobucket or Flickr account so you all can see SOME evidence of what I’ve been up to, but with this awful internet connection, it’s going to take quite some time. I’ll let you know when it happens (like four months from now when I’m back in the USA lol).

There are a TON of round abouts in Ireland.

Factoid: I L-O-V-E roond aboots (you have to say it in a bad Canadian accent or else it loses a certain something). Thus, Ireland and I are cool.

One of the girls at TJP is from Niagara Falls, Ontario (I keep forgetting to ask her how she ended up here because it seems she’s been in Ireland for years.) We agreed Canada wins when it comes to NF. The American side is just sad at this point.

We may have found a nearby coin laundry place to use instead of being charged 10 euros per small load here at our apartments. (It’s definitely a way to scam money from the international students as 99% of the Irish kids go home each weekend and can do their laundry there. Oh,and it’s also BS and we’re not happy about it.) If I’m here for four months with limited clothes I am not paying a ridiculous amount to wash them like every other week.

We had pork chops and French fries (or I’m sorry, chips) for dinner. We've totally got this group cooking dinner thing down to a T.

I miss you all!!! Stop having so much fun without me lol

Shout outs to all who read and leave me comments (be there here or Facebook). Feel free to leave more. I love hearing from you all.

I’m done.

El fin.

Supermactacular,

Dana

I survived.

Bloodied, exhausted, and overwhelmed. But I lived. (The blood would be the awful blister on the back of my foot compliments of new shoes, the exhaustion is due to the fact I didn’t sleep, and the overwhelming feeling is just because it is in fact a whole new world for me).

Considering I barely slept, I still got up on time, got ready (wore nice pants, nice top, did my make-up) and met up with Elizabeth to begin this journey for real this time.

Joe dropped her off first at her place and then took me to mine (about a five minute drive apart in Slieverue).

The Jonah Project.

It is located in an old, old pink building without even a sign marking it. They don’t keep the heat on during the weekends so Monday is the coldest (let’s just say I kept all three layers plus my coat on the entire day), though I have a feeling the rest of the week won’t be much warmer because like I said, old building (and Ireland just seems to be COLD all the time). It’ll be better when I’m not in flats but in my boots with socks (keeping my feet warm in this country is proving impossible however).

The director and supervisor were very nice to me upon meeting me. We decided I’d spend the week observing and getting my bearings. We have another meeting on Monday with Joe to check on comfort/fit of me being there, and then from there, things will get real. My objectives and goals for this internship will be set, and we’ll be off to the races on completing my Bachelor’s degree. Essentially it seems I’ll be working towards actually executing being a ‘tutor’ (more on this below).

I spent today in the room of the younger three kids. They’re ‘tutors’ (also known as teachers) were all super friendly with me and answered my questions as they came. Now, when I say tutor/teacher, I mean they are fully TEACHERS. They work on math, reading, vocabulary, listening skills, life skills, vocational activities, occupational activities, etc..

These tutor/teachers do it all, quite literally. And they don’t just work with one child all the time either. They have a child they work with 3 days, and then another they work for 2. Or in some cases, 2 days, 2 days, and then 1 day (it depends on people’s attendance/availability). A far cry from having a strict one-on-one at ASI. I see the upside to their method (as they are a tiny school and knowing each child can be easy) but I also see the upside to the method I’m used to back home (familiarity and consistency).

Also, a few of their kids are partially integrated at local schools (spending the morning only on some days). This makes me very happy because it shows that early intervention works (in my opinion at least). I have a feeling if these kids weren’t receiving the services they were at TJP they would not be able to be at ‘normal’ schools in any capacity. I know if some of my kids back home had had early intervention services, they would be further along then they are now (as in, all of the kids at TJP are at least partially verbal; none are completely non-verbal).

Something to note is that at TJP they truly practice ABA (applied behavior analysis). Constant reinforcements (mainly food & tokens towards desired activities/items) within a highly structured schedule. There’s no ‘do as you feel’ here. It is very intense, very involved, and rather fast-paced. The students have goals, and these goals are constantly being worked towards. Each student has a schedule, and this schedule is followed without question. The overwhelming part for me is that these tutors are responsible for it all. And they track EVERYTHING. There are sheets and charts to monitor progress in all areas of learning for these children. That may be the craziest part for me; the constant documentation.

Did I mention they don’t practice SCIP? Yea, apparently physical interventions are rather hard to get approved in Ireland. However, none of their kids are quite as aggressive as the ones I’ve worked with, so there’s really no reason to know how to do a three-person supine anyways. The first child I met they said may pinch and/or bite, and when they told me that’s the worst he does, I almost felt relieved(?). Their way of dealing with any aggressive behavior is essentially planned ignoring. It’s amazing/baffling to me in many ways. Although, it may be safe to say from what I saw today their children simply do not have the same severity of autism that some of the kids back home do, and thus are simply less aggressive by nature. It may be nice to not come home with bruises every day. (None of the kids appear to display bolting behavior either and so my incredibly amazing sprinting capabilities may be taken down a notch or two. Boo.)

It’s actually going to be hard for me to adjust to the tininess of the place I think. They have two classrooms, and barely use the old kitchen at all. The kids are split between the rooms (younger & older, making it 3 and 4 respectively in each). There’s no speech rooms, no OT or PT, no gym or art or music (which, honestly, thank God for because I really hated music at ASI) and there’s definitely not any sensory rooms (which I may be more sad about than anyone. I’ll miss you red/yellow comfy chair!).

The only complaint I have is that I have to take the bus (two actually; one to get from home to the waterfront, then one to my internship).

Joe was so sure for Elizabeth & I (the two with placements the furthest away) someone would offer us a ride from the agency. For Elizabeth, this is true. For me, not so much, as everyone lives in the opposite direction of where I need to go apparently.

I’m quite ticked off about this bus situation as it means I’ll have to spend (supposedly) some 3 Euros per day on it. And seeing as I’m the only one who has to do this, it makes me even more mad. I’m going to talk to Joe about it as I find it just plain unfair. I don’t mind taking the bus (though I’ve yet to have a non-nausea experience on one), it’s the fact that I have to spend my own money for it that bothers me. I wish the college would reimburse me, but I think we can all agree no matter what country you’re in, that’s just wishful thinking.

I honestly don’t know how I liked my first day. It was a first day. I went in to something I knew nothing about; I can’t make judgments on it quite yet. I do know I didn’t hate it so much I never want to step foot there again. I just am not sure if I’ll love it as much as back home. I want to, I really do, but I might not be cut out for ABA/tiny agencies (to be determined at a later date).

None of the kids here seem as cuddly as some of the kids at ASI. This girl is really gonna miss her hugs & sitting on laps. (And from that one lil cute boy, kisses on the cheek.)

Like I said, it was the first day of many.

Who knows how I'll feel in a week, let alone ten.

Know what I really wish though? That I had a TV in my bedroom and we didn’t share one in the common room. I really just wanna lay in bed and watch crappy MTV shows right now, but not happening. Also, not having hockey/football is seriously getting hard. Spooorrrtttsss!!!!

TV shows and movies are weeks behind the US here so I’ll be able to catch up on Grey’s and finally see ‘Youth in Revolt’ soon. :P

Trying to upload pictures to Facebook for everyone is proving impossible. Beginning to become clear to me that it’s my room that’s crappy for electronics, as apparently according to Elizabeth my cell phone cuts out a lot when we’re talking as well. My room may or may not actually be a nuclear bomb shelter.

On one level it’s been nice to be disconnected but on the other, I like to know the current happenings in my world. Toss up.

I think I’ve babbled enough.

Love,

Dana

So, here I sit. Should be in bed. It’s 10 minutes to 1AM here. Elizabeth & I are meeting Joe at 9.25AM to go to our internship tomorrow.

But I am much too wired to sleep.

And my feet are cold.

But really, I’m just nervous/anxious/scared/excited.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the real reason we’re all here in Ireland; social work(care) internships.

I’ve spent the past year and a half working with children with autism, from ages 5 to 21 years old. On many occasions, I interacted with well over 20 kids in a day.

This school only has 7 TOTAL, ages ranging from 4 to 13 years old. Each kid has a one-to-one (or rather tutor, which I will be doing), then there’s the supervisor, and finally the director of the school. To clarify, this is as big as two classrooms at my old agency (which had about a dozen total).

I’m scared they’re going to run their school so much different than mine and thus I’ll have to relearn everything I thought I knew in a short time. I’m scared I’m going to do something that was acceptable at my old agency but isn’t acceptable now. I’m scared that they’re going to run their school in an awful manner and I’m not going to be able to deal with it. I'm scared I'm going to have no where to get back to the apartments (Joe's giving us a ride in, but my placement is over 3 miles away. I may have to take a bus, which I know nothing about.)

Mostly I’m just excited though. I’m excited for this new opportunity, to experience something I think I know in a whole new light. I’m excited to honestly just go in headfirst into an agency I know little to nothing about and meet new people and have new experiences.

Also, my kids back home make me melt on a daily basis. These kids will have Irish accents, so that means they’ll make me double melt probably.

I hope I love this place and the people in it. I hope my eyes are opened to new ideas and theories. I hope every moment, good or bad, I take in. I hope that this school allows me to take away experiences I will never be able to duplicate, or would want to.

I hope I come out tomorrow at 3PM in one piece, but with a lighter heart and even more excitement for the future.

To all my friends back in Brockport, enjoy starting back up classes tomorrow. Remember, for many of you it is your last semester at the college; there’s no going back now. May 15th will be here before any of us can even realize it.

If I could go back in time,
Wouldn't change a damn thing in my life,
Love the dumb things we do when we're young;
But the best is yet to come.

Oh! Go for it, run toward it, dive in headfirst!
Live life with no regret!
Put your heart out there, don't be scared, you might get hurt,
But it's all worth it in the end!
'Cause the best is yet to come.
[Hinder – The Best Is Yet to Come]

I think this about wraps it up for me.

Love you all,

Dana