Following My Bliss

I regret going to Ireland for four months because now I can't afford to go somewhere for a year. I should have stayed away at Brockport & then had enough money to be gone for another year with grad school. I should have maximized my time away from this place.

Grow up "mother". It really sucks that you're making me regret one of the best decisions I thought I had made. If only you knew what you've done to this family, you oblivious self-centered brat.

I pray that I don't ever become you, ever.

I'm watching Lifetime movies all day so I'm reminded some people (fact or fictiion) have it worse than me.

This too shall pass.

Can't sleep. I relearned how to nap today & therefore am now awake for the night it seems. Being awake has put my mind in to overdrive right now.

Next week is my last class for summer session grad school. Holy crap. One semester down, two to go. Insane. Still no internship. Still overworked, frustrated, and annoyed by college. I am ready to be done.

But I have NO idea what I'll be doing with my life come next May. None. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life next MONTH. Any know of a good life planner? I need one.

Ireland seems like it was all a dream that happened many years ago to me. It makes me sad. I wish I was there again with my independence and life scheduled. I miss how carefree I was there; how HAPPY I was. My life is so unfulfilled in New York at this moment, and I have no idea how to fix that at times.

I miss getting on buses each weekend to explore. I miss walking to town and shopping. I miss Tesco, Dunnes, Bus Eirann, Pennys, Lattitude, and every bar I ever had a drink in (especially the ones that had live music).

There are SO MANY blogs/stories that I never posted from my time abroad. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't go back to read them. The details are too foggy now to retell those stories in the way they deserve.

I'm looking for new "life-changing" books to read. I want to learn. I want wisdom to ponder. I want to live. I want so much.

This whole growing up shtick can kiss my dupa. (And my Polish comes out.)

I'm restless and noncomplacent here.

I have ambition but no where to apply it. I want to change the world. Someone give me some direction.

Maybe some day I'll work for a nonprofit. That actually really appeals to me all the sudden.

When does life REALLY begin? Do I still have time to put in my application for a better one? Do I even really need a better one?

I know so many would tell me this is exactly how I should feel at 22 but others would say I need more answers and less questions. To the latter I say screw off. To the former I say your support is so unhelpful.

Stay gold.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
Taylor Swift - Teardrops on My Guitar




I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Taylor Swift - Place in This World




Cory's eyes are like a jungle
He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Cory finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind
So I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say, hey by the way

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful every little piece love,
and don't you know your really gonna be someone ask anyone.
and when you find everything you looked for,
I hope your life leads you back to my front door.
oh but if it don't will you stay
beautiful beautiful beautiful
beautiful beautiful beautiful
la la la
Oh, oh oh oh,
oh but if it don't,
stay beautiful
stay beautiful
Na na na na na
Taylor Swift - Stay Beautiful





Friday night beneath the stars,
in a field behind your yard,
you and I are paintin' pictures in the sky.
And sometimes we don't say a thing;
just listen to the crickets sing.
Everything I need is right here by my side.
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

Just a small town boy and girl
livin' in a crazy world.
Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true.
And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say that you can't live without me.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you
With you
Uh huh
Yeah
Taylor Swift - I'm Only Me When I'm With You





There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.

Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Yeah
I don't know how
Oh yeah yeah
Taylor Swift - Fearless





Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving but I know I saw a light in you
As we walked we were talking and I didn't say half the things I wanted to
Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window
I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold
Hey Stephen, boy you might have me believing I don't always have to be alone.

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling
So I've got some things to say to you
I seen it all so I thought but I never seen nobody shine the way you do
The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving
I think you and I should stay the same

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

They're dimming the street lights
You're perfect for me why aren't you here tonight?
I'm waiting alone now so come on and come out and pull me near
Shine, shine, shine

Hey Stephen I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose
All those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

Myself, can't help myself
I can't help myself.
Taylor Swift - Hey Stephen




I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..

I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...

He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sisters beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie
Taylor Swift - I'd Lie




Font size determines what’s true and what’s not. Chalk one up to wine night, for real.

To be perfectly honest, I don't understand how my self works most of the time.

I thought I had this figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted, where we stood, and all that jazz.

But tonight... Maybe I'm just homesick, nostasglic, lonely... I don't know what it is to be honest but I find myself wanting to be with there more than anything at this moment. Maybe it's because when I'm home they've always been there in some sense. Maybe just being so cut off from constant communication with them has finally gotten to me. I miss the reliability, the consistency.

I don't know what it is that's put my head in this 180 tailspin of 'What ifs' and 'Why nots'.

How do I know what I feel if I've never felt it before?

I hardly noticed Valentine's Day this year. Not only in the sense that it told me I'm not in a relationship, but it's also the day I found out about my dad's cancer. Usually I hate it more than anything for both reasons. This year...didn't even care. Progress or regression?

Words sit on the tip of my tongue, but how do I mean them? Do I mean them on the surface or in a much deeper meaning?

I might just be scared to throw caution to the wind. I may just be being stupid and tomorrow none of this will matter.

Just know I miss you. More than you miss me. Trust me.

It has been a country music kind of night, in a lot of ways. Carrie Underwood gets it (or at least her songwriters do) and so do Rascal Flatts.

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, it's the helping hand
When you needed it most
The lightouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
As you think that there's no way out
Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable

They take one last drive around town
And man it
Already looks different
He bangs the wheel and says
'Life ain't fair
And this growing up stuff man I don't know
I just don't wanna let you go'
Carrie Underwood - The Night Before (Life Goes On)

I thought about calling you when I got off the plane
Every time I see this city through the clouds I get that way
Call me crazy for missing you like this but I do
Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Carrie Underwood - Starts with Goodbye

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought
Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river thats so wide
It swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back
Carrie Underwood - So Small

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
Rascal Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out

There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Rascal Flatts - Stand

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me to
And when we cry together
Would you simply laugh at me and say...
I told you so
Carrie Underwood - I Told You So

What do I do now that you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldnt say
Rascal Flatts - Words I Couldn't Say

It's twisted, messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong
Carrie Underwood - Twisted

Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me
Rascal Flatts - Winner at a Losing Game

Maybe it's the way that the stars are aligned
That's makin' me feel this way tonight
Maybe it's the words you left unsaid
Maybe it's the stardust in my hand
Carrie Underwood - This Time

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
Rascal Flatts - Every Day

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say

Give all you've got
Like it's your last day
Your heart and soul
Before it's too late
And pull them in so close
Enough that they can feel it
With every single breath that
You're breathing
Breathe it in again and again
Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love
Hold on, hold on
Rascal Flatts - Love Who You Love

Miserable today.

That's not even a strong enough word. Like try unimaginably miserable.

It's becoming clear to me that my internship is not what I want.

I don't think I can even call it social work. They want me to essentially (and eventually) take on the teacher role, which is heavily based on being a speech therapist (in my opinion at least). I want to be more involved in policy change and service coordination and helping families find places like The Jonah Project to help their children. I'm not getting a degree in education for a reason. (And can I just say, I understand the idea of reinforcement but giving a child a 'crisp' continually after they do something right and praising them as 'Good boy' constantly is DRIVING ME MAD!)

Homesickness has definitely set in as well.

I was definitely that girl sitting by herself at the end of the day on the city bus trying to nonchalantly wipe away tears. Also when woken up in the middle of the night by ragging drunk loud assholes in the building, I cried then missing my room and my silent suburbia.

What really broke me today was the bus situation.

Yes, I am the only student who has to take the bus to their internship. The morning bus was supposed to arrive at 8:45; it got there at 9:05 and subsequently made me late by five minutes. The afternoon bus to come home was supposed to arrive at 4; it arrived at 4:45. The morning bus cost me 1.50euros and the afternoon bus cost 1.70euros. This is not something I budgeted for, nor do I find it fair, and I definitely do not enjoy it.

Basically, I have cried more in the last 24 hours than in the last 24 months. Whether it's from being too tired or frustrated or unhappy or longing for back home, I don't know.

I think it's a mixture of it all just being TOO much.

I should have seen this breakdown coming. I thought I knew myself better than this.

It doesn't help how supportive and wonderful my mother is being either (she sent me an email last night telling me to get sleep because things look better then and to have Elizabeth hug me for her). She told me to take till the end of the week to decide on staying at TJP or asking for something different (which works well because Joe is meeting with me & my supervisors there on Monday to discuss such things).

I just don't know what I was thinking by (almost)blindly packing up and leaving home for four months.

I'm happy when I'm with my friends and when we're traveling about, but this is only at night and on the weekends.

I don't want to spend five days a week, some seven hours a day, being unhappy or just getting by.

I want to enjoy this experience and learn something relevant. I want to go out and see Europe and not just do it to escape being in Waterford. I want to smile more and cry less, and laugh more and sniffle less. I want this to be the best decision I ever made and not the biggest regret I'll ever have.

I want these four months to be everything I said they would be when I got accepted last summer.

Writing this all out definitely helped.

Now it's off to the Garda and Immigration to be officially registered. Not sure if we're going shopping for food after; I hope so because I need stuff to bring for lunch. And also, I'm really hungry right now.

Love,
Dana