Following My Bliss

Can't sleep. I relearned how to nap today & therefore am now awake for the night it seems. Being awake has put my mind in to overdrive right now.

Next week is my last class for summer session grad school. Holy crap. One semester down, two to go. Insane. Still no internship. Still overworked, frustrated, and annoyed by college. I am ready to be done.

But I have NO idea what I'll be doing with my life come next May. None. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life next MONTH. Any know of a good life planner? I need one.

Ireland seems like it was all a dream that happened many years ago to me. It makes me sad. I wish I was there again with my independence and life scheduled. I miss how carefree I was there; how HAPPY I was. My life is so unfulfilled in New York at this moment, and I have no idea how to fix that at times.

I miss getting on buses each weekend to explore. I miss walking to town and shopping. I miss Tesco, Dunnes, Bus Eirann, Pennys, Lattitude, and every bar I ever had a drink in (especially the ones that had live music).

There are SO MANY blogs/stories that I never posted from my time abroad. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't go back to read them. The details are too foggy now to retell those stories in the way they deserve.

I'm looking for new "life-changing" books to read. I want to learn. I want wisdom to ponder. I want to live. I want so much.

This whole growing up shtick can kiss my dupa. (And my Polish comes out.)

I'm restless and noncomplacent here.

I have ambition but no where to apply it. I want to change the world. Someone give me some direction.

Maybe some day I'll work for a nonprofit. That actually really appeals to me all the sudden.

When does life REALLY begin? Do I still have time to put in my application for a better one? Do I even really need a better one?

I know so many would tell me this is exactly how I should feel at 22 but others would say I need more answers and less questions. To the latter I say screw off. To the former I say your support is so unhelpful.

Stay gold.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
The Script – Breakeven

A long drive, a long cry, and a hot chocolate later…. I purged those feelings real quick. Optimism, no pessimism. Carpe diem.

I’m throwing in the towel for Wonderwall.

What.The.Hell.

In 8 hours I'm getting on a bus to begin the trek back to America. Where did these months go??? I cannot believe this. Truly cannot believe this chapter is ending.

I'm going home to graduate and start grad school. I'm going home to family, friends, and familiarity. I think so at least. Maybe things won't be anything like when I left them in January. Maybe they will. Won't know till I get off that plane tomorrow.

I know of a few friendships that aren't the same. Some I'm very upset about, others I know needed to go the course they went. Some in particular have me angry and sad, wondering where we went wrong. Four months is a long time to be away from those you care about. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the heart forget. Was it me, was it you, or was it fate? I could have handled some things better sure, but I refuse to take the entire blame.

Just so we're all clear, purposely excluding to tell someone is, in my opinion, still a form of lying. Elizabeth & I have agreed on this, and no, we won't change our minds.

I miss YOU(non-exclusive). This is f#cked up and I admit my part in it, but you're not helping. I hate conflicting emotions.

I have so many stories to yet type up in this journal of adventures passed. Maybe they'll get shared someday, maybe not. They're memories all the same for me.

Where do I go from here?

One day of grad school a week. Get some temp job. Then what?

If you had asked me freshman year where I'd be senior year, Ireland would not have been an answer. And yet, here I am, and here I go. The Future is unpredictable, terrifying, and everything I want it to be.

Who knows what awaits me. Will I find a job I like? Will I find a boy I love? Where will I live someday? Is Ireland in my future again?

My Peter Pan existence is almost over. I'm scared.

I have a lot of loose ends in America waiting for me, or so I feel. Or maybe I don't. There's a couple in particular I can think of, but I don't know other people's thoughts, so maybe there's more or less. Ugh. It's so hard to write it out.

Tomorrow marks page one in another new chapter.

Dana in America: The After 21 Years.

Hopefully this book will be good, and worth the read. If not, blame the author. I hear she's a bit off her rocker.

Class of 2010, SUNY Brockport (and not The College at Brockport). Social Work, and Sociology. Here's to us.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned




I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Carrie Underwood - Starts With Goodbye




When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeah, Oh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeah

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

Oh, whenever you remember
Carrie Underwood - Whenever You Remember




Hello you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, dashboard drummers
Hello you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

I stood at the bottom of some walls I thought I couldn't climb
I felt like Cinderella at the ball just running out of time
So I know how it feels to be afraid
Think that it's all gonna slip away
Hold on, hold on

Here's to you free souls, you firefly chasers
Tree climbers, porch swingers, air guitar players
Here's to you fearless dancers, shaking walls in your bedrooms

There's a lot of wonder left inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

Never let a bad day be enough
To go and talk you in to giving up
Sometimes everybody feels like you
Oh, feels like you, just like you
Yeah

I've met some go-getters
Some difference makers
Small town heroes, and big chance takers
I've met some young hearts with something to prove
Oh, yeah

Here's to you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, and dashboard drummers
Here's to you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Yeah
Carrie Underwood - Crazy Dreams




There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This





The world's so big, it can break your heart
And you just want to help, not sure where to start
So you close your eyes
And send up a prayer into the dark

"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Oh, the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Carrie Underwood - Change




How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse, but i wish
That I never made you cry

I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the world to say

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say




What you're gonna do when the show is over
What you're gonna sing when the the song ends
How you're gonna cope when there is no closure
Where you're gonna reach when the goal gets higher
How you're gonna make it through
When you think you lost your chance

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the floodgates swing wide open
Never let the current take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess and you can't get out
Just going through the motions
Trying not to drown

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even through a storm on the darkest night
Don't you ever give up the fight
Even when you feel you're all alone

Play on, play on

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Carrie Underwood - Play On




Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Carrie Underwood - Wasted

Things I Have Learned in Ireland/Things I Found Different About Ireland:
-I have motion sickness.
-It does rain a lot, but the days that there is sun make it worth it.
-The cost of living is ridiculously high.
-If something is dear, that means it's expensive.
-For a country made of alcoholic jokes, alcohol is super expensive!
-Round-abouts trump stop lights.
-Stick-shift trumps automatic in cars.
-You'd be stupid to not go to college considering the government pays for most of it.
-Social care is not social work in a lot of ways but is in some ways as well.
-The British are (apparently)assholes.
-Mold happens. A lot. It's always disgusting.
-Different areas of the country have different accents. The Cork are supposedly the hardest to understand according to the Irish, but I think the people in Galway were the hardest.
-I have a really, really cool accent.
-Rubber=eraser. Topper=pencil sharpener. Crisps=chips. Chips=fries. Biscuits=cookies. Toasties=grilled sandwiches. Bin=garbage. Jam=jelly. Jelly=Jell-o. Tele=TV. Full stop=period (in a sentence). Copy=notebook. Jumper=hoodie/sweatshirt. Runners=sneakers. Jelly babies=gummy bears. Bold/brazen=bratty. Roaring=sobbing/crying. Crackin up=being extremely angry/pissed.
-When writing the date, it's DD/MM/YY (not month first), and the time is written in military style (ex. 21:14PM).
-Nokia is said knock-ee-uh, not no-kee-uh. Adidas is said ah-dee-daas (like in Haagen Dazs), not uh-dee-dis.
-You buy credit for your phone, not minutes.
-Their version of a $1 store is a €2 store.
-To meet someone is slang for making out with someone.
-There is a difference between a bar and a club. Some of both have dress codes.
-A blaa is a type of roll, not what you say when you're feeling strange/not good (blah).
-Hurling and football(soccer) are the best sports. Period.
-Snow is a novelty, not something that happens every year and you get tired of.
-I am lucky to live where I do and come from where I do.
-Some people who have lived here their entire lives haven't seen as much of Ireland as I have.
-Hitch hiking isn't as dangerous and stupid as in USA, and the Irish are willing to help a person out.
-Anything can be put on toast to eat (beans, eggs, etc.).
-The price you see on an item is the price, including tax. There is no surprise at the register on how much you'll have to pay.
-You do not leave tips at restaurants/bars because those working there are actually getting paid at least full minimum wage, if not more. They do not need to depend on tips to make money.
-If you ask an Irish person a question, they will tell you the answer followed by their opinion and advice which usually turns out to be very helpful.
-Hostels are cool, cheap, fun, and always an experience.
-There is an easiness about the feel of this country, a general safety and love that permiates all bad things.

Things have been so insanely great lately!!!

Louise told me last Monday that I would be ending my internship on the 30th with her because she has exams the following week and is taking her vacation time then to get that stuff out of the way.
So I emailed Mom telling her this.
Last Wednesday during volunteer night I checked my phone during a break and found a text from her that simply read 'So what do u think if I came to visit the first week of May? Luv Mom'.
Needles to say I FREAKED and immediately called her. And she was totally serious. Everyone at work was sooo excited for me and I'll admit, I got a little teary. That night she sent me her itinerary.

On Friday we were talking and she asked me if I were to go to London how many days would I need? And I said three or four. Her reply? 'Well look in to some hotels & flights and we'll do it'.

ARE.YOU.SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

So I spent the rest of the night researching and organizing and figuring it all out. Mom basically put her week plans in my hands and I went to TOWN.

Our itinerary reads as follows:
She'll arrive the 1st. We will stay in Waterford from then till Tuesday morning in a hotel by the Quay. (Monday is a Bank Holiday and the bus doesn't go to Dublin, which messed up my original plans but I adjusted).
On Tuesday morning we will take the bus up to Dublin and then fly to London. We will stay in London from Tuesday night till Friday early morning. Our hotel is right by Hyde Park and within a couple miles of every major site (Buckingham Palace, Westminister Abbey, ect.). It's also right by the Paddington tube station which makes it easy to get to from Heathrow (there's a 15 minute express train every 15 minutes!).
Friday morning we will hop an early flight back to Dublin. We're going to site see Dublin for the day and stay the night in a hostel before she flies back to NY on Saturday. I will return to Waterford for the weekend (having found out changing my flights is not a financially smart decision) and will myself fly home on Wednesday.

Every time I talk about going to London I shake a bit and can't stop perma-grin. I've dreamed of this since I was a kid. I would buy out of date travel books from used bookstores on London and scour them for hours. I have been fascinated with British culture for just as long. I used to watch the BBC Channel on TV for goodness sake!
This is just...absolutely insane. I won't honestly believe I'm there till we land in Heathrow. Any and all pictures I take will feature the biggest damn smile I can manage, promise.
London, I can't wait to embrace you and love on you for three days. Cannot.WAIT!!!!

Aside from London, I was stoked to just know my mom was coming to visit. I wasn't sure what we were going to do for a week in Waterford (I was planning some crazy Irish travel instead) but just to have her here means a lot. My brother's really upset he can't come out (can't afford it) and I feel bad for him. But he also doesn't know my mom plans on taking us on a cruise for my Grad school present soooo shhhh...his is coming!!! Haha!





On the internship front, I'm sad it'll be ending a week earlier than I thought in a way. I have my hours in, so that's not a problem. I guess I just need to prepare myself to cut ties. Some of these kids I have generally come to really like and become attached to (it was bound to happen!) and to say goodbye will be sad. I know they're in good hands though, and even though I wasn't here long I like to think I made an impact in some way. Maybe something so simple as teaching them something about what it's really like in America; just opening their eyes a bit. I'll take it. I want to come in like four years and see where they're at. Especially some of the boys who are definitely very tough. I'd love to see them as respecful, decent young men with future plans. I'll always hope for them, always.

My coworkers said we need to go out as a goodbye. They want to take me to some place called Jack Mead's (sp?). Apparently it's a kickass restaurant/bar/club out in the middle of no where. It has killer land around it, with like ponds and stuff. We're gonna go the Saturday after my last night, so my mom will be with us too. There will be BBQ for dinner and then a DJ at 9 or so. I plan on having a few drinks and having a lot of laughs. I'm going to miss the coworkers. They've been so nice to me, and so much fun. I always have at least one good laugh at work each day, usually due to Katrina (that woman is pure hilarity I think). Louise has been so sweet and wonderful as my supervisor, and soooo helpful. Same for Maggie, who although not my real supervisor has taught me a lot as well. I really feel I've gained some useful knowledge and skills while at SHY.





On Friday I noticed my leg foot/ankle was swollen twice the size of my right.

This happened once before sophomore year. I ended up in the ER and mom ended up driving up at like midnight to be with me. They did a scan on my leg and found no blood clot and sent me on my way. I went to my ortho not too long after and they put me in this good-awful half-leg walking boot. I only wore it for a couple hours. The swelling went down on it's own. After this, some other stuff happened with my knee and leg and such and it culminated with me having knee surgery Spring Break 2008.
Since then, it's been golden (for the most part). My knee still hurts in cold/rainy weather, which is pretty common. I can run again though and bend and it doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night. My ankles are still looser, and my calf muscles are still too tight at times, but all is much better than it was.

Anyways, on Friday my foot/ankle blew up. I called mom in a bit of a panic because it hadn't happened in a while. She wasn't sure what to do with me, and considering I couldn't find any urgent care clinics online around here we decided to wait until I went the ER route. She said if I was home she would have taken me right away but being a country away I was hesitant to just go (health care isn't like it is back home, trust me). She's convinced I have rheumatoid, if not something else. Her main concern was that this time it was a blood clot which could go to my heart and then it'd be 'Bye Bye Dana'. But because the pain was only in one exact spot in my calf and there wasn't much redness, we decided to give it some time.
So I made a make-shift ice pack (wet towel in a bag in the freezer) and elevated my leg. It didn't really go down too much but I didn't really feel like calling Elizabeth at 11PM for a bonding experience to the ER. So we agreed I'd just say a prayer, go to bed, and hope it was better the next day.

Her phone call woke me up the next day. The swelling had gone down, but my ankle was still big. Throughout the day it blew back up, not as bad as the night before, but still bigger than my right foot. Fabulous. Elevated it some more and just whatever. By Sunday my foot was no longer bad, but my ankle joint is still swollen to this day.

For the past month or so when I walk to work after about 15 minutes my calf/shin start to tighten/hurt. I just assumed it had to do with walking too fast and cramping up. But now with this, I dunno.
Currently there's one spot in my calf that still really f#ckin hurts. Like right in the middlel pure sharp pain as I sit here. It feels like a knot almost, but when I touch it it's not. It don't know what to make of it at this point.

Can't wait to go to the doc when I get home! Gonna be good times, I tell ya!

Also on the schedule for when I get home will be wisdom teeth removal. It will at least be the bottom ones. I've put it off long enough, and now they're starting to come through, and something needs to be done. Sigh. Gonna be great fun on that one too!!




I'm currently working on my papers. I have the WIT portfolio half done. It is sooo easy by comparison to Bport. The sections are 2000 words each, which is like 5/6 pages. That's a JOKE compared to the 20 pages I'm supposed to do for my Comprehensive Case Analysis. Of course I should probably do the Evidence-Based Research paper first, which was due a week and a half ago. It's just hard to be in internship 4 days a week and do papers. When I come back from work at anywhere from 7-10PM the last thing I want to do is write. And I do spend Tuesdays (my off day meant for working on papers) doing them, but one day isn't enough to get all my errands and papers in.
Tonight I'm skipping Roomie TV Night to keep working. Shitty. I feel bad missing Grey's & Desperate Housewives. But I have to get my portfolio to Louise on Monday for review and technically the Comp Case is due then too sooo... Time is certinaly of the essence right now!!

Love & miss you guys!
(I'll try to get stories up from Lehinch/Doolin/Inishmore sometime soon. I know, they happened a couple weeks ago now practically but I've been busy, OK? haha)