Following My Bliss

Tell me that there's more
Tell me who're worth fighting for.
You are,
Everything I know.
Everything that matters, you can make this easy
Believe me.
At the perfect moment, just say that everything will be alright.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

For what it's worth I tried.
For what it's worth it mattered, to me.
You can't be replaced,
You're not just another face.
You can make this easy, believe me.
At the perfect moment just say that everything will be alright.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

Waiting, frustrated,
But I can't let you go.
I just need you to know,
Waiting, I'm breaking down.
But I can't let you go.
I just need you to know.

For what it's worth I tried.
For what it's worth it mattered, to me.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.

So much has changed since that last post.

Mom is sober. Has been sober for months now, I think. I'm finally letting myself be proud of her, and not scared for her relapse.

I'm in my last semester of college, probably ever. I constantly have these moments of 'WTF?' when I think of how in under 4 months I'll have my MSW.

Also, I have many, too many, moments of wondering what I'm doing in social work and with social work. I find myself more often than not angry at my major. I think sometimes professors spend too much time telling and not teaching. It's hard to explain, but I just disagree with so much being said to me about "the social work way", that I wonder if this makes me wrong or just different? I'm used to different, not used to wrong.

My internship isn't something I want to do post-college. I like it, but I am certainly not in love with it. It gives me so much freedom, too much freedom. I need a pit more structure, supervision, direction. Good people, decent department, alright clients. My heart just doesn't burst at the prospect of the work.

I miss you Ireland.

Still single. Not ready to mingle. Got this whole 'spinster' thing on lock really. Spending night after night home and alone, and not upset about that. I'm just selfish and love myself a lot, I guess. I have no desire to need a companion in that sense of the word. My friends do just fine being there when I need to be a part of a couple or a group. I wonder sometimes: will that feeling ever change? Or am I just one of those people destined to do life without a permanent attachment? No complaint, just questions.

I watch too much Animal Planet. I'm dying to get a dog. That's my kinda companion.

Be strong and be well. "Suit up and show up."

I regret going to Ireland for four months because now I can't afford to go somewhere for a year. I should have stayed away at Brockport & then had enough money to be gone for another year with grad school. I should have maximized my time away from this place.

Grow up "mother". It really sucks that you're making me regret one of the best decisions I thought I had made. If only you knew what you've done to this family, you oblivious self-centered brat.

I pray that I don't ever become you, ever.

I'm watching Lifetime movies all day so I'm reminded some people (fact or fictiion) have it worse than me.

This too shall pass.

Can't sleep. I relearned how to nap today & therefore am now awake for the night it seems. Being awake has put my mind in to overdrive right now.

Next week is my last class for summer session grad school. Holy crap. One semester down, two to go. Insane. Still no internship. Still overworked, frustrated, and annoyed by college. I am ready to be done.

But I have NO idea what I'll be doing with my life come next May. None. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life next MONTH. Any know of a good life planner? I need one.

Ireland seems like it was all a dream that happened many years ago to me. It makes me sad. I wish I was there again with my independence and life scheduled. I miss how carefree I was there; how HAPPY I was. My life is so unfulfilled in New York at this moment, and I have no idea how to fix that at times.

I miss getting on buses each weekend to explore. I miss walking to town and shopping. I miss Tesco, Dunnes, Bus Eirann, Pennys, Lattitude, and every bar I ever had a drink in (especially the ones that had live music).

There are SO MANY blogs/stories that I never posted from my time abroad. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't go back to read them. The details are too foggy now to retell those stories in the way they deserve.

I'm looking for new "life-changing" books to read. I want to learn. I want wisdom to ponder. I want to live. I want so much.

This whole growing up shtick can kiss my dupa. (And my Polish comes out.)

I'm restless and noncomplacent here.

I have ambition but no where to apply it. I want to change the world. Someone give me some direction.

Maybe some day I'll work for a nonprofit. That actually really appeals to me all the sudden.

When does life REALLY begin? Do I still have time to put in my application for a better one? Do I even really need a better one?

I know so many would tell me this is exactly how I should feel at 22 but others would say I need more answers and less questions. To the latter I say screw off. To the former I say your support is so unhelpful.

Stay gold.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
The Script – Breakeven

A long drive, a long cry, and a hot chocolate later…. I purged those feelings real quick. Optimism, no pessimism. Carpe diem.

I’m throwing in the towel for Wonderwall.

What.The.Hell.

In 8 hours I'm getting on a bus to begin the trek back to America. Where did these months go??? I cannot believe this. Truly cannot believe this chapter is ending.

I'm going home to graduate and start grad school. I'm going home to family, friends, and familiarity. I think so at least. Maybe things won't be anything like when I left them in January. Maybe they will. Won't know till I get off that plane tomorrow.

I know of a few friendships that aren't the same. Some I'm very upset about, others I know needed to go the course they went. Some in particular have me angry and sad, wondering where we went wrong. Four months is a long time to be away from those you care about. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the heart forget. Was it me, was it you, or was it fate? I could have handled some things better sure, but I refuse to take the entire blame.

Just so we're all clear, purposely excluding to tell someone is, in my opinion, still a form of lying. Elizabeth & I have agreed on this, and no, we won't change our minds.

I miss YOU(non-exclusive). This is f#cked up and I admit my part in it, but you're not helping. I hate conflicting emotions.

I have so many stories to yet type up in this journal of adventures passed. Maybe they'll get shared someday, maybe not. They're memories all the same for me.

Where do I go from here?

One day of grad school a week. Get some temp job. Then what?

If you had asked me freshman year where I'd be senior year, Ireland would not have been an answer. And yet, here I am, and here I go. The Future is unpredictable, terrifying, and everything I want it to be.

Who knows what awaits me. Will I find a job I like? Will I find a boy I love? Where will I live someday? Is Ireland in my future again?

My Peter Pan existence is almost over. I'm scared.

I have a lot of loose ends in America waiting for me, or so I feel. Or maybe I don't. There's a couple in particular I can think of, but I don't know other people's thoughts, so maybe there's more or less. Ugh. It's so hard to write it out.

Tomorrow marks page one in another new chapter.

Dana in America: The After 21 Years.

Hopefully this book will be good, and worth the read. If not, blame the author. I hear she's a bit off her rocker.

Class of 2010, SUNY Brockport (and not The College at Brockport). Social Work, and Sociology. Here's to us.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned




I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Carrie Underwood - Starts With Goodbye




When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeah, Oh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeah

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

Oh, whenever you remember
Carrie Underwood - Whenever You Remember




Hello you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, dashboard drummers
Hello you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

I stood at the bottom of some walls I thought I couldn't climb
I felt like Cinderella at the ball just running out of time
So I know how it feels to be afraid
Think that it's all gonna slip away
Hold on, hold on

Here's to you free souls, you firefly chasers
Tree climbers, porch swingers, air guitar players
Here's to you fearless dancers, shaking walls in your bedrooms

There's a lot of wonder left inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true

Never let a bad day be enough
To go and talk you in to giving up
Sometimes everybody feels like you
Oh, feels like you, just like you
Yeah

I've met some go-getters
Some difference makers
Small town heroes, and big chance takers
I've met some young hearts with something to prove
Oh, yeah

Here's to you long shots
You dark horse runners
Hairbrush singers, and dashboard drummers
Here's to you wild magnolias
Just waiting to bloom

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
Yeah
Carrie Underwood - Crazy Dreams




There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This





The world's so big, it can break your heart
And you just want to help, not sure where to start
So you close your eyes
And send up a prayer into the dark

"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Oh, the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say
"You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world"
Carrie Underwood - Change




How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse, but i wish
That I never made you cry

I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the world to say

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say




What you're gonna do when the show is over
What you're gonna sing when the the song ends
How you're gonna cope when there is no closure
Where you're gonna reach when the goal gets higher
How you're gonna make it through
When you think you lost your chance

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the floodgates swing wide open
Never let the current take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess and you can't get out
Just going through the motions
Trying not to drown

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even through a storm on the darkest night
Don't you ever give up the fight
Even when you feel you're all alone

Play on, play on

Play on when you're losing the game
Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Carrie Underwood - Play On




Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Carrie Underwood - Wasted

Things I Have Learned in Ireland/Things I Found Different About Ireland:
-I have motion sickness.
-It does rain a lot, but the days that there is sun make it worth it.
-The cost of living is ridiculously high.
-If something is dear, that means it's expensive.
-For a country made of alcoholic jokes, alcohol is super expensive!
-Round-abouts trump stop lights.
-Stick-shift trumps automatic in cars.
-You'd be stupid to not go to college considering the government pays for most of it.
-Social care is not social work in a lot of ways but is in some ways as well.
-The British are (apparently)assholes.
-Mold happens. A lot. It's always disgusting.
-Different areas of the country have different accents. The Cork are supposedly the hardest to understand according to the Irish, but I think the people in Galway were the hardest.
-I have a really, really cool accent.
-Rubber=eraser. Topper=pencil sharpener. Crisps=chips. Chips=fries. Biscuits=cookies. Toasties=grilled sandwiches. Bin=garbage. Jam=jelly. Jelly=Jell-o. Tele=TV. Full stop=period (in a sentence). Copy=notebook. Jumper=hoodie/sweatshirt. Runners=sneakers. Jelly babies=gummy bears. Bold/brazen=bratty. Roaring=sobbing/crying. Crackin up=being extremely angry/pissed.
-When writing the date, it's DD/MM/YY (not month first), and the time is written in military style (ex. 21:14PM).
-Nokia is said knock-ee-uh, not no-kee-uh. Adidas is said ah-dee-daas (like in Haagen Dazs), not uh-dee-dis.
-You buy credit for your phone, not minutes.
-Their version of a $1 store is a €2 store.
-To meet someone is slang for making out with someone.
-There is a difference between a bar and a club. Some of both have dress codes.
-A blaa is a type of roll, not what you say when you're feeling strange/not good (blah).
-Hurling and football(soccer) are the best sports. Period.
-Snow is a novelty, not something that happens every year and you get tired of.
-I am lucky to live where I do and come from where I do.
-Some people who have lived here their entire lives haven't seen as much of Ireland as I have.
-Hitch hiking isn't as dangerous and stupid as in USA, and the Irish are willing to help a person out.
-Anything can be put on toast to eat (beans, eggs, etc.).
-The price you see on an item is the price, including tax. There is no surprise at the register on how much you'll have to pay.
-You do not leave tips at restaurants/bars because those working there are actually getting paid at least full minimum wage, if not more. They do not need to depend on tips to make money.
-If you ask an Irish person a question, they will tell you the answer followed by their opinion and advice which usually turns out to be very helpful.
-Hostels are cool, cheap, fun, and always an experience.
-There is an easiness about the feel of this country, a general safety and love that permiates all bad things.

Things have been so insanely great lately!!!

Louise told me last Monday that I would be ending my internship on the 30th with her because she has exams the following week and is taking her vacation time then to get that stuff out of the way.
So I emailed Mom telling her this.
Last Wednesday during volunteer night I checked my phone during a break and found a text from her that simply read 'So what do u think if I came to visit the first week of May? Luv Mom'.
Needles to say I FREAKED and immediately called her. And she was totally serious. Everyone at work was sooo excited for me and I'll admit, I got a little teary. That night she sent me her itinerary.

On Friday we were talking and she asked me if I were to go to London how many days would I need? And I said three or four. Her reply? 'Well look in to some hotels & flights and we'll do it'.

ARE.YOU.SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

So I spent the rest of the night researching and organizing and figuring it all out. Mom basically put her week plans in my hands and I went to TOWN.

Our itinerary reads as follows:
She'll arrive the 1st. We will stay in Waterford from then till Tuesday morning in a hotel by the Quay. (Monday is a Bank Holiday and the bus doesn't go to Dublin, which messed up my original plans but I adjusted).
On Tuesday morning we will take the bus up to Dublin and then fly to London. We will stay in London from Tuesday night till Friday early morning. Our hotel is right by Hyde Park and within a couple miles of every major site (Buckingham Palace, Westminister Abbey, ect.). It's also right by the Paddington tube station which makes it easy to get to from Heathrow (there's a 15 minute express train every 15 minutes!).
Friday morning we will hop an early flight back to Dublin. We're going to site see Dublin for the day and stay the night in a hostel before she flies back to NY on Saturday. I will return to Waterford for the weekend (having found out changing my flights is not a financially smart decision) and will myself fly home on Wednesday.

Every time I talk about going to London I shake a bit and can't stop perma-grin. I've dreamed of this since I was a kid. I would buy out of date travel books from used bookstores on London and scour them for hours. I have been fascinated with British culture for just as long. I used to watch the BBC Channel on TV for goodness sake!
This is just...absolutely insane. I won't honestly believe I'm there till we land in Heathrow. Any and all pictures I take will feature the biggest damn smile I can manage, promise.
London, I can't wait to embrace you and love on you for three days. Cannot.WAIT!!!!

Aside from London, I was stoked to just know my mom was coming to visit. I wasn't sure what we were going to do for a week in Waterford (I was planning some crazy Irish travel instead) but just to have her here means a lot. My brother's really upset he can't come out (can't afford it) and I feel bad for him. But he also doesn't know my mom plans on taking us on a cruise for my Grad school present soooo shhhh...his is coming!!! Haha!





On the internship front, I'm sad it'll be ending a week earlier than I thought in a way. I have my hours in, so that's not a problem. I guess I just need to prepare myself to cut ties. Some of these kids I have generally come to really like and become attached to (it was bound to happen!) and to say goodbye will be sad. I know they're in good hands though, and even though I wasn't here long I like to think I made an impact in some way. Maybe something so simple as teaching them something about what it's really like in America; just opening their eyes a bit. I'll take it. I want to come in like four years and see where they're at. Especially some of the boys who are definitely very tough. I'd love to see them as respecful, decent young men with future plans. I'll always hope for them, always.

My coworkers said we need to go out as a goodbye. They want to take me to some place called Jack Mead's (sp?). Apparently it's a kickass restaurant/bar/club out in the middle of no where. It has killer land around it, with like ponds and stuff. We're gonna go the Saturday after my last night, so my mom will be with us too. There will be BBQ for dinner and then a DJ at 9 or so. I plan on having a few drinks and having a lot of laughs. I'm going to miss the coworkers. They've been so nice to me, and so much fun. I always have at least one good laugh at work each day, usually due to Katrina (that woman is pure hilarity I think). Louise has been so sweet and wonderful as my supervisor, and soooo helpful. Same for Maggie, who although not my real supervisor has taught me a lot as well. I really feel I've gained some useful knowledge and skills while at SHY.





On Friday I noticed my leg foot/ankle was swollen twice the size of my right.

This happened once before sophomore year. I ended up in the ER and mom ended up driving up at like midnight to be with me. They did a scan on my leg and found no blood clot and sent me on my way. I went to my ortho not too long after and they put me in this good-awful half-leg walking boot. I only wore it for a couple hours. The swelling went down on it's own. After this, some other stuff happened with my knee and leg and such and it culminated with me having knee surgery Spring Break 2008.
Since then, it's been golden (for the most part). My knee still hurts in cold/rainy weather, which is pretty common. I can run again though and bend and it doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night. My ankles are still looser, and my calf muscles are still too tight at times, but all is much better than it was.

Anyways, on Friday my foot/ankle blew up. I called mom in a bit of a panic because it hadn't happened in a while. She wasn't sure what to do with me, and considering I couldn't find any urgent care clinics online around here we decided to wait until I went the ER route. She said if I was home she would have taken me right away but being a country away I was hesitant to just go (health care isn't like it is back home, trust me). She's convinced I have rheumatoid, if not something else. Her main concern was that this time it was a blood clot which could go to my heart and then it'd be 'Bye Bye Dana'. But because the pain was only in one exact spot in my calf and there wasn't much redness, we decided to give it some time.
So I made a make-shift ice pack (wet towel in a bag in the freezer) and elevated my leg. It didn't really go down too much but I didn't really feel like calling Elizabeth at 11PM for a bonding experience to the ER. So we agreed I'd just say a prayer, go to bed, and hope it was better the next day.

Her phone call woke me up the next day. The swelling had gone down, but my ankle was still big. Throughout the day it blew back up, not as bad as the night before, but still bigger than my right foot. Fabulous. Elevated it some more and just whatever. By Sunday my foot was no longer bad, but my ankle joint is still swollen to this day.

For the past month or so when I walk to work after about 15 minutes my calf/shin start to tighten/hurt. I just assumed it had to do with walking too fast and cramping up. But now with this, I dunno.
Currently there's one spot in my calf that still really f#ckin hurts. Like right in the middlel pure sharp pain as I sit here. It feels like a knot almost, but when I touch it it's not. It don't know what to make of it at this point.

Can't wait to go to the doc when I get home! Gonna be good times, I tell ya!

Also on the schedule for when I get home will be wisdom teeth removal. It will at least be the bottom ones. I've put it off long enough, and now they're starting to come through, and something needs to be done. Sigh. Gonna be great fun on that one too!!




I'm currently working on my papers. I have the WIT portfolio half done. It is sooo easy by comparison to Bport. The sections are 2000 words each, which is like 5/6 pages. That's a JOKE compared to the 20 pages I'm supposed to do for my Comprehensive Case Analysis. Of course I should probably do the Evidence-Based Research paper first, which was due a week and a half ago. It's just hard to be in internship 4 days a week and do papers. When I come back from work at anywhere from 7-10PM the last thing I want to do is write. And I do spend Tuesdays (my off day meant for working on papers) doing them, but one day isn't enough to get all my errands and papers in.
Tonight I'm skipping Roomie TV Night to keep working. Shitty. I feel bad missing Grey's & Desperate Housewives. But I have to get my portfolio to Louise on Monday for review and technically the Comp Case is due then too sooo... Time is certinaly of the essence right now!!

Love & miss you guys!
(I'll try to get stories up from Lehinch/Doolin/Inishmore sometime soon. I know, they happened a couple weeks ago now practically but I've been busy, OK? haha)

Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.

Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.

Other than that, I have nothing to say.

Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?

I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.

It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.

Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.

Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.

I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.

I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.

I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.

I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.

I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.

The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.

My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.

35 days till I come home.

Here’s to the future.

Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time

It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love




Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards





She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston

Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low

I'm lost at sea,
The radio is jamming but they wont find me,
I swear its for the best
And then your frequency is pulling me in closer
Til I'm home.

And I've been up for days
I finally lost my mind
And then I lost my way.
I'm blistered but I'm better and I'm home.

And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky.

This room's too small, it's only getting smaller
I'm against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller here in Wonderland.
This guilt feels so familiar and I'm home.

And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Somedays all I do is watch the sky.

I think I, I could use a little break, today was a good day.
I think I, I could use a little break, today was a good day.
It's a deep sea on which I'm floating. Still I sink to think that I must...

Crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
When you can't bear to carry me I'll fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Today was a good day, today was a good day.
Something Corporate - Good Day

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Something Corporate - Cavanaugh Park

Shake down you make me break
For goodness sake
I think I'm on the edge
Of something new with you
Shout out don't drown the sound
I'll drown you out
You'll never scream so loud
As I want to scream with you

Standing there with your smile blinding
Your eyes from seeing
My face as I'm dying

To figure out a girl

But she drifts so far away
I'm on her coast
So maybe I should stay
And map around your world

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me into your hurricane
Into your hurricane

Stand up don't make a sound
Your ears might bleed
There are sweet fluorescent enemies
That live inside of me
The world moves faster than I knew
Not fast enough to not creep up on you
And the space we put between
So pull me under your weather patterns
Your cold fronts and the rain don't matter
Because the sun burns what I needed

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled you into the hurricane
Into the hurricane

You don't do it on purpose
But you make me shake
Now I count the hours 'til you wake
With your babies breath
Breathe symphonies
Come on sweet catastrophe

Well, maybe this time I can follow through
I can feel complete
Stop paying dues
Stop the rain from falling
Keep my ocean calm
This time I know nothing's wrong

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me in and no,
You don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me into your hurricane
Into your hurricane
Into your hurricane
Something Corporate – Hurricane





So I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And I'll just fall
I let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as stall
And wonder when I fall
Something Corporate - Fall



Light breaks underneath a heavy door
And I try to keep myself awake
Fall all around us on our hotel floor
And you think that you've made a mistake
And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge
And I struggled to get myself up again

I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart
Like the pieces of my heart

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they charter your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?

And dreams came around you in a hazy rain
You opened your mouth wide to feel them fall
And I write a letter, from a one-way train
But i don't think you'll read it at all

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they charter your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?

And I can't take this anymore
Well I know that I can't take this anymore
I can't take this anymore
Cuz I know someday I'll see you walk out that door

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
So Do you wanna leave? Do you wanna leave?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?
Something Corporate - Globes & Maps





Taking steps back through the words I should've said to you
They all got lost
You went away
Well I feel sick and you just don't care anymore
Anymore
Hours to be with you
Minutes of me in you
And I can't feel this happening
So tie my hands back
And make me feel you coming down
Coming down...
Something Corporate - You're Gone





Let's get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah

Yeah
Yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down

Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child

Child, yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down
Down, down
Down, down

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Something Corporate – Down

Some days go by, I wish I was famous
Or maybe religious, so I could go to heaven
Just like you
I can have a big house, complain about taxes
Payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
No one makes fun of me, cause I can't stand up for myself

Whoa, 21 and invincible
Whoa, can't wait to screw this up
And woah, 21 and invincible
I'm in power for the hour
Guess today's gonna blow us away
Something Corporate - 21 & Invincible





I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found her
No

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say your leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again you're the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So much
So much
So much
So much
Something Corporate - Break Myself

New Dana Life Rule: When feeling odd/homesick/PMSy/out-of character, I will not drink and go online to talk with everyone and their brother. I will EITHER drink OR go online. These two things from here on out are mututally exclusive to one another.

Good news is I am out of said weird funk and hindsight is totally 20/20. Mmmm, clarity. I was a dramatic, over-emotional mess. I said uncertain things to waaaaay too many people. I was looking to manifest emotions in the wrong way in the wrong people. Of course, my real friends will know to take everything I said with a grain of salt if it was about a 'serious' topic. Was I sloppy, fall on my face drunk? Negative. But I was just in a happy/emotional/loose place where the filter was broken and my head was all 'Oooo, shiney!!!'. In all honesty, the way I felt Friday night I do not feel whatsoever today. I think about Friday night and go 'Really, Dana? You're an idiot'. I let myself get the better of me, no doubt.

Also, I now know what friends I should take advice from and which ones I should ignore with my fingers in my ears going 'La la la la la la!'.

I just need to grow up. Plain and simple.

That being said, I'm going to pretend Friday night just didn't happpen. You can either do the same or not, your choice, but I'm telling you right now, I pressed the delete button on that shitshow yesterday. It meant nothing and therefore will recieve the nothing treatment of nothingness.

No more country music for Dana for a long time. That stuff brings out the worst in me! LOL ;P

New topics: Only working two days this week. Next week two definitely, maybe three. Friday & Monday are bank holidays (Good Friday, Easter Monday) so my week is automatically shortened.

We moved the groups to the day time because the young people are on Easter break for the next two weeks. Tonight's group wasn't moved (the older girls) so I'm working 5-9. Also with tonight's group we're going to hopefully get the other side of last weeks discussion where the girls that did come told us their group isn't fun anymore and they feel like it's losing it's purpose. It was seemingly out of nowhere and the leaders (who've worked this group for ages) were really hurt by it (understandable). Maybe it was just an off week for them? Maybe it's JUST them? We'll find out.

As for this week, we're leaving Thursday for Doolin/Aran Islands(Inishmore). Going to see the Cliffs of Moher and the Burren. Also going to watch the sunset and drink beers with Elizabeth and write down my thoughts and read my book and just BE. Cannot wait to just go and see and be and relax. I'm really excited to see these gorgeous places and take too many pictures and just laugh. Hopefully, we'll just laugh that is. Really sick of the drama that doesn't go away for some people.

They're doing kitchen inspections this week as well. Usually our stuff happens on the first day but still they haven't shown. It's spotless out there (I made sure of it and the boys surprisingly cleaned a ton before they left Fridaay. I was impressed for real). I'm giving them another half hour to get here then I'm making my dinner and they can get pissy at me for 'leaving dishes in the strainer', even though that means their clean and isn't that better than them sitting on the table dirty and getting moldy? Somethings just don't make sense in these apartments. Actually, a lot doesn't make sense in these apartments.

Enjoying the 2 weeks to have the apartment to myself though, not gonna lie. I like being able to watch what TV I want to watch whenever I want. It's nice to not feel like I'm intruding on Emma and her boyfriend (who mind as well just be called roommate #4 in apartment 118 at this point).

I need to go dry my hair, prepare for work after the hellacious Friday night DVD-drop in, and make dinner.

Peace, love, and learning ya'll!!

EDIT: Home from work. Was asked/told not to be in group tonight because the other leaders are obviously taking this very seriously and I'm still the new girl and my presence may effect how open the girls/leaders can be with each other. A little sad but totally understandable.
Instead spent an hour and a half with Louise bitching about DVD night from Friday and going through old pictures of those in the SHY. Best part? I'll get to write I spent 8 hours in today for that! Boom baby!
Now I will make spaghetti & sauce and watch Mythbusters, complete with announcer redubbing of a British man.
Passed kitchen inspection. They appreciated the effort. Good deal.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
Taylor Swift - Teardrops on My Guitar




I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Taylor Swift - Place in This World




Cory's eyes are like a jungle
He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Cory finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind
So I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say, hey by the way

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful every little piece love,
and don't you know your really gonna be someone ask anyone.
and when you find everything you looked for,
I hope your life leads you back to my front door.
oh but if it don't will you stay
beautiful beautiful beautiful
beautiful beautiful beautiful
la la la
Oh, oh oh oh,
oh but if it don't,
stay beautiful
stay beautiful
Na na na na na
Taylor Swift - Stay Beautiful





Friday night beneath the stars,
in a field behind your yard,
you and I are paintin' pictures in the sky.
And sometimes we don't say a thing;
just listen to the crickets sing.
Everything I need is right here by my side.
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

Just a small town boy and girl
livin' in a crazy world.
Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true.
And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say that you can't live without me.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you
With you
Uh huh
Yeah
Taylor Swift - I'm Only Me When I'm With You





There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.

Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Yeah
I don't know how
Oh yeah yeah
Taylor Swift - Fearless





Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving but I know I saw a light in you
As we walked we were talking and I didn't say half the things I wanted to
Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window
I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold
Hey Stephen, boy you might have me believing I don't always have to be alone.

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling
So I've got some things to say to you
I seen it all so I thought but I never seen nobody shine the way you do
The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving
I think you and I should stay the same

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

They're dimming the street lights
You're perfect for me why aren't you here tonight?
I'm waiting alone now so come on and come out and pull me near
Shine, shine, shine

Hey Stephen I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose
All those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

'cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

Myself, can't help myself
I can't help myself.
Taylor Swift - Hey Stephen




I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..

I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...

He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sisters beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie
Taylor Swift - I'd Lie




Font size determines what’s true and what’s not. Chalk one up to wine night, for real.

To be perfectly honest, I don't understand how my self works most of the time.

I thought I had this figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted, where we stood, and all that jazz.

But tonight... Maybe I'm just homesick, nostasglic, lonely... I don't know what it is to be honest but I find myself wanting to be with there more than anything at this moment. Maybe it's because when I'm home they've always been there in some sense. Maybe just being so cut off from constant communication with them has finally gotten to me. I miss the reliability, the consistency.

I don't know what it is that's put my head in this 180 tailspin of 'What ifs' and 'Why nots'.

How do I know what I feel if I've never felt it before?

I hardly noticed Valentine's Day this year. Not only in the sense that it told me I'm not in a relationship, but it's also the day I found out about my dad's cancer. Usually I hate it more than anything for both reasons. This year...didn't even care. Progress or regression?

Words sit on the tip of my tongue, but how do I mean them? Do I mean them on the surface or in a much deeper meaning?

I might just be scared to throw caution to the wind. I may just be being stupid and tomorrow none of this will matter.

Just know I miss you. More than you miss me. Trust me.

It has been a country music kind of night, in a lot of ways. Carrie Underwood gets it (or at least her songwriters do) and so do Rascal Flatts.

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, it's the helping hand
When you needed it most
The lightouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
As you think that there's no way out
Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable

They take one last drive around town
And man it
Already looks different
He bangs the wheel and says
'Life ain't fair
And this growing up stuff man I don't know
I just don't wanna let you go'
Carrie Underwood - The Night Before (Life Goes On)

I thought about calling you when I got off the plane
Every time I see this city through the clouds I get that way
Call me crazy for missing you like this but I do
Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Carrie Underwood - Starts with Goodbye

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought
Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river thats so wide
It swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back
Carrie Underwood - So Small

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
Rascal Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out

There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone
Carrie Underwood - You Won't Find This

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Rascal Flatts - Stand

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me to
And when we cry together
Would you simply laugh at me and say...
I told you so
Carrie Underwood - I Told You So

What do I do now that you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldnt say
Rascal Flatts - Words I Couldn't Say

It's twisted, messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong
Carrie Underwood - Twisted

Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me
Rascal Flatts - Winner at a Losing Game

Maybe it's the way that the stars are aligned
That's makin' me feel this way tonight
Maybe it's the words you left unsaid
Maybe it's the stardust in my hand
Carrie Underwood - This Time

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
Rascal Flatts - Every Day

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
Carrie Underwood - What Can I Say

Give all you've got
Like it's your last day
Your heart and soul
Before it's too late
And pull them in so close
Enough that they can feel it
With every single breath that
You're breathing
Breathe it in again and again
Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love
Hold on, hold on
Rascal Flatts - Love Who You Love

Gosh I’m behind on updating. Whoopsies? Just haven’t been motivated. No one has been really as of late. I think we’re hitting the mid-point lull. I’m only going to highlight important stuff instead of going on about stuff that is trivial at best.

Kirsten & Kerri Visit, March 5-12, 2010:

Fabulouusssss!!! They got in early Saturday morning and after a nap, we made tacos for dinner. Went to Doolan’s that night to listen to the Irish band. Gotta say, I’m beginning to learn the words to songs and can sing along. Pretty fun. Left there and tried to go meet up with everyone else at Ruby’s. Went in and it was PACKED. The worst I have ever seen it. Literally body to body crushed together packed. Took us ages to get across the bar and to Woodman’s, which was equally packed. What the hell?? So we left there and decided to go to Mason’s for the first time. Compared to Ruby’s, the place was empty. Had a drink or two, talked with some guys, and danced to ‘Sweet Home Alabama’. I’d say it was a good night. :D

On Sunday we went to Tramore beach. It was really, really cold out but sunny and well hell, we were on a beach so can I really complain?? We even made lunch to sit and eat while looking out over the water. Awwww. Tried to walk and find a castle but no dice. Ended the day sitting in the diner drinking tea and talking. Good times. Stayed in that night and Kerri made us chicken parm & spaghetti. DELICIOUS. Way to go on the cooking thing Kerri, way to go.

The girls spent Monday in Cork/Blarney/Midleton while I spent it at work. They enjoyed their outing, kissed the stone, drank some whiskey, and had fun (or so they told me).

Tuesday we spent all around Waterford. First we headed down to the Waterford Crystal building only to find it CLOSED. WHAT? I swear to God when we got here the visitor center was still open! (Later on I went on the website and it quite literally just closed a week prior, and a new center is opening in June just after I leave. Of course it is!) We went on a crazy shopping spree in Penny’s, picking up tons of stuff from dresses to jewelry for really cheap. I’m talking like 14 pieces for like €75. I could NEVER do that back home, ever. The girls loved it, which was probably the most important. Headed over to Doolan’s for pub lunch. Good stuff. Shopped around a bit more, finally finding a place to buy Waterford Crystal. I got mom a shamrock and Kerri got her sister a wedding present. Did some more walking around a shopping at Dunne’s (three more items for like €25, holla!). Finally went to meet Diane (my social work advisor from Brockport that was over on vacation/’visiting’). Met her and her daughters at the Granville Hotel and shared a drink and a chat. Afterwards, headed back to the apartment.

Wednesday & Thursday I worked while the girls spent one day in Dublin and another in the room catching up on schoolwork. Good deal. We spent one night sitting in my room reminiscing about high school and sharing current gossip on people from high school. We realized that we can name like 7 guys who turned out to be gay from our class (not saying that in a bad way, just an odd realization). Also waaaay too many people getting married or having babies (rarely do they do both). We decided by still being in college, without babies and without husbands, we are the normal ones.

Friday the girls went off to Kilkenny while I went off to work. Unfort their bus would get back while I was at work, keeping them locked out of the apartment. So when I got back at 10, I figured maybe they’d be waiting, but they weren’t. I kept going downstairs and outside every 15-20 minutes until about 1AM with no sign of them. Finally I decided to go to back, and just hope for the best.

Not fifteen minutes later do they come stumbling in. And I mean stumbling. They were TRASHED. Apparently they decided to have a couple drinks while waiting for me, which turned in to meeting some Texans, and having people buy them lots of drinks (beer to shots). Any attempts at telling me things (including stuff about buses?) was against their better judgment because neither of them made any sense. I did get out of them that Kerri “puked all over Waterford” and Kirsten “spoke Spanish for a while”. Kerri pretty much just passed out on the floor. Kirsten got changed and attempted to write an email on my computer, all the while falling every which way all over the room. At the time I was more upset because I had been so worried about them, but now it’s effin’ hilarious the state they were in. Holy sweet baby cheese & rice were they drunk!!!

Next day the girls weren’t as in rough shape as I thought they’d be. However they did (finally) manage to explain to me that because they were flying out of Shannon and buses don’t run frequently on the weekends, they’d have to leave today and stay the night up there because there wasn’t an early enough bus on Sunday. Pretty bummed out we weren’t able to go horseback riding then (which we had booked for 2PM and their bus to go to Shannon was at 4PM). Instead we went out to Sumatra cafe for breakfast (soooo good and cheap and I can’t wait to go back) and then came back to pack up everyone’s stuff. My souvenir suitcase was full :)!

On the way down to the bus station, Kerri and I went in to McDonald’s to get our first Shamrock shakes of the year. While in Ireland. It was yet another one of those moments that made me go ‘Yea, coming here was in fact a great idea Dana, good call’. Elizabeth & I saw them off, and I was definitely sad to see my little slices of Americana go (as I took to calling them).

St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, 2010:

Got up and ready. Decided to wear my Ireland ‘Pub Crawl’ t-shirt I bought in Galway (been dying for an excuse and today seemed like a good one). Went up to Jen’s room and opened my bottle of wine at 10:30AM.

Garrett showed up and the drinking games started a bit. Learned and played Asshole and King’s Cup. Pretty fun/funny. By about noon/noon-thirty Marlee and Chris finally arrived. Eventually headed off to the parade with a decent buzz going on (I didn’t finish the bottle of wine, but came pretty damn close, and had a Bud to cap it off).

The parade sucked. My coworkers told me it would, but I still wanted to go cause, oh yea, we’re in Ireland and it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I’m going to take part in the festivities!! But seriously, it sucked. It was pretty much just every children’s sports team or organization marching along. A couple bands. Like two floats. Some cars that were supposed to be vintage but definitely weren’t. And did I mention no one was throwing candy to us??? I wanted a tootsie roll, dammit!

After standing there for a bit, we started to walk down a ways towards the quay. When the parade finally finished we decided to go get lunch at a pub. And apparently so did everyone else. After checking out three separate places, all which were packed, we went to (surprise) Doolan’s! And of course we got a table right away. Hanne met us here and we got lunch. I got bacon and cabbage (though it was more like ham & potatoes), and it was awesomeeee. Not Grandma’s corned beef & cabbage, but I’ll take it because it was made in Ireland and it was St. Paddy’s Day.

We left and headed over to Wacky Apple’s, picking up cards on the way. Did a shot of Baby Guinness before going upstairs. Ended up sitting in Wacky’s for at least two hours playing drinking games and acting like fools. After a bit decided to head back to the Manor hoping to make it to a party in Manor Two, but missing it by a bit. Instead went back to Jen’s room and continued drinking & playing card games with her roommates. I played DJ with iTunes (and I'll brag, I was great at it).

I decided to go to back to my room at 9:30 or so once some drama started and it became apparent despite what they were saying no one was going out to the bars. Instead changed clothes, put on Boondock Saints, and fell asleep.

St. Patrick’s Day was good by me.

Truly bizarre part of the day though was children in pubs/bars. WTF? At Wacky’s a woman quite literally had a baby in a stroller a mere five feet from the bar. What.The.Hell??? Also while we were upstairs her older child was up there yelling at a group of lads for moving a table saying she was going to tell her mother on them. It was insane!!! Apparently the law is children can be in the bars till 9PM on St. Paddy’s Day but no one really follows it? Or something? I don’t know. It’s really fucking weird all around.

Nothing else major to report. We’re planning a trip at the moment to go away for Easter weekend to Doolan, Cliffs of Mohr, and the Aran Islands. Assuming the ferry is running, we have it all good to go with hostels and the like. Really excited to get out of Waterford for a few days and just relax in one of the most gorgeous areas of Ireland. Though to be fair I haven’t really found a part of Ireland I haven’t found gorgeous just yet. Probably because it’s all new to me.

Traveling so much here, and talking to coworkers, has actually given me a better appreciation for America. A lot of the places we visit here in Ireland the people who have lived here for decades haven’t been too. They talk about visiting this and that in Europe or in America. And I realize through this that there are a TON of places in America that I’d like to see and appreciate. I’ve been to a few cities and such, but I want to do more. I want to go to New York City or Down South or to the Mid-West. Chicago? Nashville? Dallas? Seattle? Yes, please, all of the above.

I tried beans on toast today (a “staple” Irish food). Didn’t taste bad, but wasn’t amazing either. However, though my taste buds allowed it my insides are not agreeing with it. Not.Good. In fact, feeling reeeaaaaallllyyyy shitty (double meaning, anyone?). Ugh. The things I do for my kids at work, seriously.

Who am I kidding, I love those little shiests to bits. :D

Love,

Dana