Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.
Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.
Other than that, I have nothing to say.
Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?
I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.
It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.
Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.
I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.
Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.
I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.
I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.
I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.
I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.
I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.
The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.
My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.
35 days till I come home.
Here’s to the future.
Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time
It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love
Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...
Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston
Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low
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