Following My Bliss

Tell me that there's more
Tell me who're worth fighting for.
You are,
Everything I know.
Everything that matters, you can make this easy
Believe me.
At the perfect moment, just say that everything will be alright.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

For what it's worth I tried.
For what it's worth it mattered, to me.
You can't be replaced,
You're not just another face.
You can make this easy, believe me.
At the perfect moment just say that everything will be alright.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

Waiting, frustrated,
But I can't let you go.
I just need you to know,
Waiting, I'm breaking down.
But I can't let you go.
I just need you to know.

For what it's worth I tried.
For what it's worth it mattered, to me.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.
Make me believe,
Know that I need you.
Don't leave me alone here.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.

Make me believe,
Lie if you have to.
Stay here forever,
Tell me this won't end.

So much has changed since that last post.

Mom is sober. Has been sober for months now, I think. I'm finally letting myself be proud of her, and not scared for her relapse.

I'm in my last semester of college, probably ever. I constantly have these moments of 'WTF?' when I think of how in under 4 months I'll have my MSW.

Also, I have many, too many, moments of wondering what I'm doing in social work and with social work. I find myself more often than not angry at my major. I think sometimes professors spend too much time telling and not teaching. It's hard to explain, but I just disagree with so much being said to me about "the social work way", that I wonder if this makes me wrong or just different? I'm used to different, not used to wrong.

My internship isn't something I want to do post-college. I like it, but I am certainly not in love with it. It gives me so much freedom, too much freedom. I need a pit more structure, supervision, direction. Good people, decent department, alright clients. My heart just doesn't burst at the prospect of the work.

I miss you Ireland.

Still single. Not ready to mingle. Got this whole 'spinster' thing on lock really. Spending night after night home and alone, and not upset about that. I'm just selfish and love myself a lot, I guess. I have no desire to need a companion in that sense of the word. My friends do just fine being there when I need to be a part of a couple or a group. I wonder sometimes: will that feeling ever change? Or am I just one of those people destined to do life without a permanent attachment? No complaint, just questions.

I watch too much Animal Planet. I'm dying to get a dog. That's my kinda companion.

Be strong and be well. "Suit up and show up."

I regret going to Ireland for four months because now I can't afford to go somewhere for a year. I should have stayed away at Brockport & then had enough money to be gone for another year with grad school. I should have maximized my time away from this place.

Grow up "mother". It really sucks that you're making me regret one of the best decisions I thought I had made. If only you knew what you've done to this family, you oblivious self-centered brat.

I pray that I don't ever become you, ever.

I'm watching Lifetime movies all day so I'm reminded some people (fact or fictiion) have it worse than me.

This too shall pass.

Can't sleep. I relearned how to nap today & therefore am now awake for the night it seems. Being awake has put my mind in to overdrive right now.

Next week is my last class for summer session grad school. Holy crap. One semester down, two to go. Insane. Still no internship. Still overworked, frustrated, and annoyed by college. I am ready to be done.

But I have NO idea what I'll be doing with my life come next May. None. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life next MONTH. Any know of a good life planner? I need one.

Ireland seems like it was all a dream that happened many years ago to me. It makes me sad. I wish I was there again with my independence and life scheduled. I miss how carefree I was there; how HAPPY I was. My life is so unfulfilled in New York at this moment, and I have no idea how to fix that at times.

I miss getting on buses each weekend to explore. I miss walking to town and shopping. I miss Tesco, Dunnes, Bus Eirann, Pennys, Lattitude, and every bar I ever had a drink in (especially the ones that had live music).

There are SO MANY blogs/stories that I never posted from my time abroad. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't go back to read them. The details are too foggy now to retell those stories in the way they deserve.

I'm looking for new "life-changing" books to read. I want to learn. I want wisdom to ponder. I want to live. I want so much.

This whole growing up shtick can kiss my dupa. (And my Polish comes out.)

I'm restless and noncomplacent here.

I have ambition but no where to apply it. I want to change the world. Someone give me some direction.

Maybe some day I'll work for a nonprofit. That actually really appeals to me all the sudden.

When does life REALLY begin? Do I still have time to put in my application for a better one? Do I even really need a better one?

I know so many would tell me this is exactly how I should feel at 22 but others would say I need more answers and less questions. To the latter I say screw off. To the former I say your support is so unhelpful.

Stay gold.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
The Script – Breakeven

A long drive, a long cry, and a hot chocolate later…. I purged those feelings real quick. Optimism, no pessimism. Carpe diem.

I’m throwing in the towel for Wonderwall.