Following My Bliss

Things I Have Learned in Ireland/Things I Found Different About Ireland:
-I have motion sickness.
-It does rain a lot, but the days that there is sun make it worth it.
-The cost of living is ridiculously high.
-If something is dear, that means it's expensive.
-For a country made of alcoholic jokes, alcohol is super expensive!
-Round-abouts trump stop lights.
-Stick-shift trumps automatic in cars.
-You'd be stupid to not go to college considering the government pays for most of it.
-Social care is not social work in a lot of ways but is in some ways as well.
-The British are (apparently)assholes.
-Mold happens. A lot. It's always disgusting.
-Different areas of the country have different accents. The Cork are supposedly the hardest to understand according to the Irish, but I think the people in Galway were the hardest.
-I have a really, really cool accent.
-Rubber=eraser. Topper=pencil sharpener. Crisps=chips. Chips=fries. Biscuits=cookies. Toasties=grilled sandwiches. Bin=garbage. Jam=jelly. Jelly=Jell-o. Tele=TV. Full stop=period (in a sentence). Copy=notebook. Jumper=hoodie/sweatshirt. Runners=sneakers. Jelly babies=gummy bears. Bold/brazen=bratty. Roaring=sobbing/crying. Crackin up=being extremely angry/pissed.
-When writing the date, it's DD/MM/YY (not month first), and the time is written in military style (ex. 21:14PM).
-Nokia is said knock-ee-uh, not no-kee-uh. Adidas is said ah-dee-daas (like in Haagen Dazs), not uh-dee-dis.
-You buy credit for your phone, not minutes.
-Their version of a $1 store is a €2 store.
-To meet someone is slang for making out with someone.
-There is a difference between a bar and a club. Some of both have dress codes.
-A blaa is a type of roll, not what you say when you're feeling strange/not good (blah).
-Hurling and football(soccer) are the best sports. Period.
-Snow is a novelty, not something that happens every year and you get tired of.
-I am lucky to live where I do and come from where I do.
-Some people who have lived here their entire lives haven't seen as much of Ireland as I have.
-Hitch hiking isn't as dangerous and stupid as in USA, and the Irish are willing to help a person out.
-Anything can be put on toast to eat (beans, eggs, etc.).
-The price you see on an item is the price, including tax. There is no surprise at the register on how much you'll have to pay.
-You do not leave tips at restaurants/bars because those working there are actually getting paid at least full minimum wage, if not more. They do not need to depend on tips to make money.
-If you ask an Irish person a question, they will tell you the answer followed by their opinion and advice which usually turns out to be very helpful.
-Hostels are cool, cheap, fun, and always an experience.
-There is an easiness about the feel of this country, a general safety and love that permiates all bad things.

Things have been so insanely great lately!!!

Louise told me last Monday that I would be ending my internship on the 30th with her because she has exams the following week and is taking her vacation time then to get that stuff out of the way.
So I emailed Mom telling her this.
Last Wednesday during volunteer night I checked my phone during a break and found a text from her that simply read 'So what do u think if I came to visit the first week of May? Luv Mom'.
Needles to say I FREAKED and immediately called her. And she was totally serious. Everyone at work was sooo excited for me and I'll admit, I got a little teary. That night she sent me her itinerary.

On Friday we were talking and she asked me if I were to go to London how many days would I need? And I said three or four. Her reply? 'Well look in to some hotels & flights and we'll do it'.

ARE.YOU.SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

So I spent the rest of the night researching and organizing and figuring it all out. Mom basically put her week plans in my hands and I went to TOWN.

Our itinerary reads as follows:
She'll arrive the 1st. We will stay in Waterford from then till Tuesday morning in a hotel by the Quay. (Monday is a Bank Holiday and the bus doesn't go to Dublin, which messed up my original plans but I adjusted).
On Tuesday morning we will take the bus up to Dublin and then fly to London. We will stay in London from Tuesday night till Friday early morning. Our hotel is right by Hyde Park and within a couple miles of every major site (Buckingham Palace, Westminister Abbey, ect.). It's also right by the Paddington tube station which makes it easy to get to from Heathrow (there's a 15 minute express train every 15 minutes!).
Friday morning we will hop an early flight back to Dublin. We're going to site see Dublin for the day and stay the night in a hostel before she flies back to NY on Saturday. I will return to Waterford for the weekend (having found out changing my flights is not a financially smart decision) and will myself fly home on Wednesday.

Every time I talk about going to London I shake a bit and can't stop perma-grin. I've dreamed of this since I was a kid. I would buy out of date travel books from used bookstores on London and scour them for hours. I have been fascinated with British culture for just as long. I used to watch the BBC Channel on TV for goodness sake!
This is just...absolutely insane. I won't honestly believe I'm there till we land in Heathrow. Any and all pictures I take will feature the biggest damn smile I can manage, promise.
London, I can't wait to embrace you and love on you for three days. Cannot.WAIT!!!!

Aside from London, I was stoked to just know my mom was coming to visit. I wasn't sure what we were going to do for a week in Waterford (I was planning some crazy Irish travel instead) but just to have her here means a lot. My brother's really upset he can't come out (can't afford it) and I feel bad for him. But he also doesn't know my mom plans on taking us on a cruise for my Grad school present soooo shhhh...his is coming!!! Haha!





On the internship front, I'm sad it'll be ending a week earlier than I thought in a way. I have my hours in, so that's not a problem. I guess I just need to prepare myself to cut ties. Some of these kids I have generally come to really like and become attached to (it was bound to happen!) and to say goodbye will be sad. I know they're in good hands though, and even though I wasn't here long I like to think I made an impact in some way. Maybe something so simple as teaching them something about what it's really like in America; just opening their eyes a bit. I'll take it. I want to come in like four years and see where they're at. Especially some of the boys who are definitely very tough. I'd love to see them as respecful, decent young men with future plans. I'll always hope for them, always.

My coworkers said we need to go out as a goodbye. They want to take me to some place called Jack Mead's (sp?). Apparently it's a kickass restaurant/bar/club out in the middle of no where. It has killer land around it, with like ponds and stuff. We're gonna go the Saturday after my last night, so my mom will be with us too. There will be BBQ for dinner and then a DJ at 9 or so. I plan on having a few drinks and having a lot of laughs. I'm going to miss the coworkers. They've been so nice to me, and so much fun. I always have at least one good laugh at work each day, usually due to Katrina (that woman is pure hilarity I think). Louise has been so sweet and wonderful as my supervisor, and soooo helpful. Same for Maggie, who although not my real supervisor has taught me a lot as well. I really feel I've gained some useful knowledge and skills while at SHY.





On Friday I noticed my leg foot/ankle was swollen twice the size of my right.

This happened once before sophomore year. I ended up in the ER and mom ended up driving up at like midnight to be with me. They did a scan on my leg and found no blood clot and sent me on my way. I went to my ortho not too long after and they put me in this good-awful half-leg walking boot. I only wore it for a couple hours. The swelling went down on it's own. After this, some other stuff happened with my knee and leg and such and it culminated with me having knee surgery Spring Break 2008.
Since then, it's been golden (for the most part). My knee still hurts in cold/rainy weather, which is pretty common. I can run again though and bend and it doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night. My ankles are still looser, and my calf muscles are still too tight at times, but all is much better than it was.

Anyways, on Friday my foot/ankle blew up. I called mom in a bit of a panic because it hadn't happened in a while. She wasn't sure what to do with me, and considering I couldn't find any urgent care clinics online around here we decided to wait until I went the ER route. She said if I was home she would have taken me right away but being a country away I was hesitant to just go (health care isn't like it is back home, trust me). She's convinced I have rheumatoid, if not something else. Her main concern was that this time it was a blood clot which could go to my heart and then it'd be 'Bye Bye Dana'. But because the pain was only in one exact spot in my calf and there wasn't much redness, we decided to give it some time.
So I made a make-shift ice pack (wet towel in a bag in the freezer) and elevated my leg. It didn't really go down too much but I didn't really feel like calling Elizabeth at 11PM for a bonding experience to the ER. So we agreed I'd just say a prayer, go to bed, and hope it was better the next day.

Her phone call woke me up the next day. The swelling had gone down, but my ankle was still big. Throughout the day it blew back up, not as bad as the night before, but still bigger than my right foot. Fabulous. Elevated it some more and just whatever. By Sunday my foot was no longer bad, but my ankle joint is still swollen to this day.

For the past month or so when I walk to work after about 15 minutes my calf/shin start to tighten/hurt. I just assumed it had to do with walking too fast and cramping up. But now with this, I dunno.
Currently there's one spot in my calf that still really f#ckin hurts. Like right in the middlel pure sharp pain as I sit here. It feels like a knot almost, but when I touch it it's not. It don't know what to make of it at this point.

Can't wait to go to the doc when I get home! Gonna be good times, I tell ya!

Also on the schedule for when I get home will be wisdom teeth removal. It will at least be the bottom ones. I've put it off long enough, and now they're starting to come through, and something needs to be done. Sigh. Gonna be great fun on that one too!!




I'm currently working on my papers. I have the WIT portfolio half done. It is sooo easy by comparison to Bport. The sections are 2000 words each, which is like 5/6 pages. That's a JOKE compared to the 20 pages I'm supposed to do for my Comprehensive Case Analysis. Of course I should probably do the Evidence-Based Research paper first, which was due a week and a half ago. It's just hard to be in internship 4 days a week and do papers. When I come back from work at anywhere from 7-10PM the last thing I want to do is write. And I do spend Tuesdays (my off day meant for working on papers) doing them, but one day isn't enough to get all my errands and papers in.
Tonight I'm skipping Roomie TV Night to keep working. Shitty. I feel bad missing Grey's & Desperate Housewives. But I have to get my portfolio to Louise on Monday for review and technically the Comp Case is due then too sooo... Time is certinaly of the essence right now!!

Love & miss you guys!
(I'll try to get stories up from Lehinch/Doolin/Inishmore sometime soon. I know, they happened a couple weeks ago now practically but I've been busy, OK? haha)

Of this I am certain: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

This weekend taught me one thing for sure, and that’s that when I come back to the US, I will have less direction than when I left.

Yes, I am going to grad school for my MSW. Yes, I will (hopefully) be able to reapply and re-assume my job at ASI. And yes, I will live with my mom & Bob for at least the next six months.

Other than that, I have nothing to say.

Do I want to work with children with autism? Do I want to go in to America’s version of youth work? What about working with drug abusers and alcoholics? What about people with other developmental disorders? Anorexia? Mental illness? Geriatrics?

I wish I still wanted to work with CPS so at least then I’d have some idea of where I was going with these degrees that I’ll have spent five years and thousands of dollars acquiring.

It’s not even scholastically and professional that I’m floating around with no direction. Personally, spiritually, emotionally… I’m a blank slate all across the board lately it seems.

Being in this country, for some reason I can’t even begin to explain simply because I myself don’t know, I find myself wishing I could bring myself to believe in a higher being. I don’t do religion because I don’t like the idea of being confined. I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m right and others are wrong because they have a different concept and belief of what a god is. I always say I’m agnostic; that I believe there is some force that guides us but I will not put a face or name to it. However, there is no place for agnostics to go and pray or talk or center themselves among others that believe the same. I wish there was. I wish I had a community to be a part of.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have no group of people to turn to; only very, very few select individuals do I find wishing to talk with or that I feel want to talk with me.

Best friends went from multiple to minimal, and even though in most cases it was for the best, I still find myself longing for that acceptance and understanding and friendship. I wish I had more people to lean on. I wish I had more people that wanted to hang out and go shopping or grab coffee and chat whenever possible. I wish I had people that cared for me, and meant it wholeheartedly, and didn’t waver.

I realized far too late in my college career those that I should have gotten closer to, and didn’t, and those that I wasted my time on, and shouldn’t have. I think I made some people mean too much to me, and they didn’t bother making me mean as much to them. I’m sure going an ocean away for four months at the end of senior year didn’t help that situation.

I don’t regret coming to Ireland. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and it would have been stupid of me to not take it. But four months was too much. Two, maybe even three, would have been ideal. I find myself torn now between dying for these last four weeks to fly by and wishing to extend them, but more often then not I want them to fly by.

I’m ready to come home and find a direction for my life. I feel like I’m just biding my time till I go back and start on grad school. I feel stale and complacent and longing for a challenge. I’m too smart and capable for my own good sometimes, or maybe I just sell myself short and take on tasks too easy.

I wish I could travel forever. I wish I had someone waiting for me. I wish I had something to turn to for answers. I wish I had met more people here that meant something. I wish I didn’t guard myself so much. I wish more people back home would miss me. I wish I picked a different career path, or in the very least, even had a career path. I wish when I come back people will notice a change in me, and a positive change at that.

I wish I was more than I am, and I know I have time on my side to make it happen, but sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this way forever.

The number of wishes I’ve made on stars and at 11:11 should be criminal. Now I just need to do something to make these wishes in to reality. I've looked at job search websites and the Peace Corps. Anything is an option at this point.

My life is up to me. Scary, unpredictable, ever-changing, freeing, thrilling, invigorating, dreaming, amusing, exciting, and NOW. These moments can’t be brought back.

35 days till I come home.

Here’s to the future.

Carve your name in a black stone
Swear to god we won't let go
If you can't love babe, then you can't hurt
We take the good times, with the worst
Take your time honey, take your time

It's the wrong dream, with the wrong man
With a cold gun, in your wrong hand
Get it right this time, get it off your mind
Let the summer rain bring rest and shame and love
Augustana - Rest, Shame, Love




Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away
Augustana - Stars and Boulevards





She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Augustana – Boston

Anywhere you go, anyone you meet,
Remember that your eyes can be your enemies,
I said, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach
But I ain't giving up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose
Augustana - Sweet and Low

I'm lost at sea,
The radio is jamming but they wont find me,
I swear its for the best
And then your frequency is pulling me in closer
Til I'm home.

And I've been up for days
I finally lost my mind
And then I lost my way.
I'm blistered but I'm better and I'm home.

And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky.

This room's too small, it's only getting smaller
I'm against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller here in Wonderland.
This guilt feels so familiar and I'm home.

And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Somedays all I do is watch the sky.

I think I, I could use a little break, today was a good day.
I think I, I could use a little break, today was a good day.
It's a deep sea on which I'm floating. Still I sink to think that I must...

Crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
When you can't bear to carry me I'll fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Today was a good day, today was a good day.
Something Corporate - Good Day

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Something Corporate - Cavanaugh Park

Shake down you make me break
For goodness sake
I think I'm on the edge
Of something new with you
Shout out don't drown the sound
I'll drown you out
You'll never scream so loud
As I want to scream with you

Standing there with your smile blinding
Your eyes from seeing
My face as I'm dying

To figure out a girl

But she drifts so far away
I'm on her coast
So maybe I should stay
And map around your world

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me into your hurricane
Into your hurricane

Stand up don't make a sound
Your ears might bleed
There are sweet fluorescent enemies
That live inside of me
The world moves faster than I knew
Not fast enough to not creep up on you
And the space we put between
So pull me under your weather patterns
Your cold fronts and the rain don't matter
Because the sun burns what I needed

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled you into the hurricane
Into the hurricane

You don't do it on purpose
But you make me shake
Now I count the hours 'til you wake
With your babies breath
Breathe symphonies
Come on sweet catastrophe

Well, maybe this time I can follow through
I can feel complete
Stop paying dues
Stop the rain from falling
Keep my ocean calm
This time I know nothing's wrong

So don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me in and no,
You don't say
"These currents are still killing me"
And you can't explain
But the wind went and pulled me into your hurricane
Into your hurricane
Into your hurricane
Something Corporate – Hurricane





So I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And I'll just fall
I let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as stall
And wonder when I fall
Something Corporate - Fall



Light breaks underneath a heavy door
And I try to keep myself awake
Fall all around us on our hotel floor
And you think that you've made a mistake
And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge
And I struggled to get myself up again

I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart
Like the pieces of my heart

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they charter your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?

And dreams came around you in a hazy rain
You opened your mouth wide to feel them fall
And I write a letter, from a one-way train
But i don't think you'll read it at all

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they charter your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?

And I can't take this anymore
Well I know that I can't take this anymore
I can't take this anymore
Cuz I know someday I'll see you walk out that door

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
So Do you wanna leave? Do you wanna leave?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?
Something Corporate - Globes & Maps





Taking steps back through the words I should've said to you
They all got lost
You went away
Well I feel sick and you just don't care anymore
Anymore
Hours to be with you
Minutes of me in you
And I can't feel this happening
So tie my hands back
And make me feel you coming down
Coming down...
Something Corporate - You're Gone





Let's get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah

Yeah
Yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down

Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child

Child, yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down
Down, down
Down, down

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can't change this loneliness
Look what you've found, I've fallen down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Something Corporate – Down

Some days go by, I wish I was famous
Or maybe religious, so I could go to heaven
Just like you
I can have a big house, complain about taxes
Payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
No one makes fun of me, cause I can't stand up for myself

Whoa, 21 and invincible
Whoa, can't wait to screw this up
And woah, 21 and invincible
I'm in power for the hour
Guess today's gonna blow us away
Something Corporate - 21 & Invincible





I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found her
No

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say your leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again you're the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So much
So much
So much
So much
Something Corporate - Break Myself